


Cold Sweats and Couches

by cophinehaus



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2015-07-17
Packaged: 2018-03-11 22:52:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 31,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3335765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cophinehaus/pseuds/cophinehaus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cosima is sick, but she thinks she can make it. Can Delphine, though? (AU - Non clones)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This Was The Worst Of My Fears

"I'm home!" Delphine said, "I bought some stuff for dinner on the way home. How does pasta sound?" Delphine steps into the apartment, carrying a full brown paper bag cradled in her arm. The sound of music drifts from Cosima's office. Delphines shoulders sag, she is sore and tired from a long day and just wants to be held, melting into Cosima's small arms and sinking into her warmth. The sounds of an empty apartment meets her in place of her usual greeting when she gets home.

Delphine furrows her eyebrows slightly. "Chérie?" she calls, wondering why she didn't at least say hello, let alone come out of whatever work-induced haze Cosima was in and give her a jangly wave. She hears a strange noise from the end of the hallway, one that she can't quite place. She considers leaving her be, but there's a twist in her gut and besides, she wants to see her love.

Walking with a  _click click click_  of her heels against the hardwood floor, in Seven simple strides she's at the slightly ajar door. "Cos? Are you in there?" She nudges the door open, expecting to see the familiar sight of her small frame hunched over her laptop, face resting on the keyboard and slightly snoring. She grins to herself, she fully opens the door and enters the room.

Something is wrong, something is so very off.

A loud thud and crumpling of the paper bag is followed by a mix of a cry and a wail that claws it's way out of Delphine's throat. Delphine rushes to Cosima, who is shaking on the floor and is staining the carpet with  _blood_  there is  _blood_ coming from her mouth as she trembles on the floor, eyes glassed over and partly lidded.

 _BloodbloodbloodbloodCosimaisbleedingdosomething_  is all Delphine's brain can think as Delphine's knees hit the ground with a sharp thud and she scoops Cosima's torso into her trembling arms.

"Cosima!" she shouts, to no answer. Frantically glancing around the room, she sees her phone which had dropped out of her hands. She reaches desperately with one hand, the other grasping at the nape of Cosima's neck, fingertips trembling.

Her fingers do not stop trembling as she dials 911, or when the paramedics arrive in their apartment, or when she is in the ambulance. Her body shakes, the crisp air is biting , cold even for Toronto, but she is wearing a down coat with two layers underneath. She is not shivering because of the cold.

It is not until Cosima, dried blood caking her shirt collar and smeared on her cheek, is taken into Emergency that Delphine sits in a steel chair and cries. Sitting on the hard, cold metal she feels hot pricks at her eyes as a lump rises in her throat. She tries to muffle it, keep herself in check at first. But the image of Cosima shaking in her arms, Cosima's blank eyes staring through her, Cosima's favourite sweater permanently dyed red paint the insides of her eyelids and finally she is wracked with sobs. Her face contorts as she let's her body crumple in on itself.

Delphine heaves air into her aching lungs, only to choke on her own sobs, pulling at her curls with shaky hands. She scratches her own scalp, yanking tightly on her hair as her lip trembles. Her throat pulses in pain her makeup is sure to be a wreck and her sleeve is wet from trying to dry her face, a futile effort. Delphine is overcome with a numbing wave of exhaustion and weighing her bones down within her limbs. She curls up as best she can, bringing her knees to hug her chest,, counting and steadying her breathing. Her body aches from crying and worrying and crying and worrying and she is so  _tired_

* * *

 

"Ms. Cormier?" Delphine whips her head up at the sound of her name, her eyes cracking open and looking blearily around the room for the source. A man in blue scrubs and thin frame glasses looks expectantly at her. She wipes the corners of her eyes viciously, sniffing as she unfolds from the chair. Her joints are stiff and her muscles ache from dozing in such an awful position.

"Y-yes that's ah... that's me." Her voice is hoarse and cracks, her throat still sore from crying and sluggish from her impromptu blackout in the waiting room.

"Cosima is stable now, she's just woken up. Would you like to see her?" he asks her, glancing at the clipboard in his hands.

"Yes! Yes, please. Is she okay? What happened?" a stream of questions flow from Delphine's chapped lips.

"The doctor can explain better than I can, he'll be here shortly. I'll explain on the way." Delphine nods and gathers her coat in her arms before following the young man with the name tag "Colin" into the hallway.

"Cosima has suffered from a seizure," he says. Delphine's throat tightens as she rubs her own arms, the lingering tremors she held Cosima through still ghosting her own skin. Delphine is not a stupid woman, she know that seizures do not cause trickles of blood to seep from your mouth, so she waits for Colin to expand. "She uh- she also has some sort of respiratory-uh...problem," he says, "which probably triggered the seizure in the first place or vise versa. She's scheduled to stay here for a bit to do some basic tests. We're running diagnostic tests right now with some of the blood too see if we can pinpoint it." Her throat catches as her head screams  _bloodbloodblood_  and Delphine cringes at the word like a sharp pinch to her skin. She feels numb.

"Here we are"

Cosima is lying on white hospital sheets in a white hospital gown in a white hospital room with white hospital floor tiles.. Delphine notes the stark contrast with their colourful home with the burgundy sheets, the green mugs, the stained glass artwork and Cosima's eclectic wardrobe strewn across the floor. Cosima does not belong here, she is too colourful to be caged in this monochromatic room. The room is silent, save for Cosima's gentle breathing and the steady beeping of her heart monitor. Yet it is too loud for Delphine's ears. Delphine shuffles over towards the bed, throwing a weary "Thanks" over her shoulder at Colin.

She sits in the chair that is adjacent to Cosima's bed, and observes her love. She looks pale, her usually tan pigment closer to Delphine's own milky complexion than it's ever been. She has a cannula snugly tucked in her nostrils, which leads to a quiet oxygen flow by the side of her bed.

An IV leads to her forearm, where Delphine does not look for long. It is invading Cosima's body, Delphine's stomach twists at the thought. She is a doctor, she has inserted IVs and needles into countless individuals, but this is different.  _This_  is Cosima.  _This_  particular needle means Cosima is sick and it makes Delphine's chest tighten with unease and worry.

She looks at her face, with her closed eyes. Her cheek and jaw are blood free now, but her lips are still faintly tinged red. Delphine feels a lump in her throat again and fights the blurriness that distorts her vision.  
She stifles a small cry, and Cosima's eyes flutter open gently at the sound. "Hey" she croaks, her voice weak but her tone loving. She cracks a smile at Delphine, who in turn screws her face into a grimace and tries not to cry.  _Not here in front of Cosima, one of us needs to be strong._

"Hey, Del, it's okay. Shh it's okay." Cosima quietly croaks as she reaches for Delphine's hand, distressed to see her cry. Their fingers intertwine, Delphine's long elegant and still trembling fingers, a glaring contrast against Cosima's strong and bejewelled ones. Delphine stares at their hands for what feels like hours, absently stroking her thumb over Cosima's, feeling her own fingers shake less and less with every minute she touches her. She can feel her back loosen and her throat relax just being in contact with her again.

 _I could not lose you,_ Delphine thinks.

"I couldn't either." Cosima whispers so faint and tender it fills her chest with the first steady breath in hours. Delphinesmiles ever-so-faintly at Cosima, basking in the smile she receives in return. Delphine leans out of the chair to press a gentle kiss to Cosima's forehead, Cosima's eyes sliding shut and a dopey smile plastered to her face.

"Je t'aime, mon amour" she whispers, her face moving to press into the side of Cosima's neck.

"I love you too, Del" Cosima says even quieter, before turning her head and brushing her lips gently against Delphine's. Delphine lightly presses forward, kissing Cosima fully. It is tender and gentle, soft and sweet, and Delphine wishes it never end.

However, it must, because Cosima needs air and so does Delphine (who would never admit it). They stay still, hands still joined, doing nothing but existing in harmony.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Help Me - Low Roar
> 
> This fic will be edited by Jon nerdinablender!


	2. A Howling Beast Hears Us Talk

"So... how are you?"

Delphine is caught off guard by this quiet question. They've been laying (well, Cosima has been laying. Delphine has been resting her head on the edge of the bed near Cosima's shoulder, while her lower half stays seated in the chair.) in a comfortable silence, Cosima occasionally humming softly. She lifts her head from where it was awkwardly resting to look into her eyes. Cosima looks at her with a face that says ' _well?'_ Delphine stifles a snort before fully lifting her head off of the mattress. "You, the girl in a hospital bed are asking  _me_ how  _I_ am?" she says, a crooked smile on her face. "Wo-ow okay, sorry for caring about my girlfriend's emotional well-being!" Cosima fakes offense, nudging Delphine's arm, her tongue poking out from between her teeth.

A quiet laugh bubbles up from her chest, Delphine's smile broadening. Even in her current state, Cosima is the light of her life. Delphine licks her lips and begins to lean in just as an awkward cough is heard from the doorway. Their heads turn, meeting the gaze of a black man with a hard face in teal scrubs and a white coat, a stethoscope draped over his neck. He glances at a clipboard before walking to the side of the bed, across from Delphine. "Hello Miss Niehaus, I'm . How're you feeling?"

The light and bubbly atmosphere in the room is pierced and deflates in seconds. The realization floods back into Delphine that they're in the hospital for a reason, and that reason is Cosima. As Cosima replies, Delphine awkwardly removes herself from the bed, leaning back fully into the chair. Cosima pouts at the loss of contact, so Delphine links her pinky finger with Cosima's. clears his throat before saying "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you two. We've run the normal diagnostic tests, but they've come up with some inconclusive results. We're going to have to schedule a CT scan." Delphines hand goes slack against Cosima's as she swallows the lump already starting to form. Cosima flexes her pinky around Delphines's. "Can I go home before the scan?" Cosima questions hesitantly "I mean I'm assuming it won't be for like a week at least, so as long as I don't need to be hooked up or anything, I can go home right?"

"We'd like to keep you for tonight, just to be safe, but if that works out you should be able to go home tomorrow morning." he replies with a nod. "I'm assuming you're Miss Cormier?" he says as he turns to look at Delphine. She nods, her voice not ready to make an appearance yet. "Ah, ok. You can stay here overnight if you want to. You'll also need to speak with the Main Desk to book the CT." scrawls something on a paper from his clipboard before unclipping it and handing it to her, meeting her outstretched hand. "Thank you ." Cosima speaks for Delphine, sensing her inability to speak. He gives them a grimace that might have the hint of a sad smile in it that Delphine doesn't see before he turns and leaves the room. She folds the paper without looking at it before shoving it into her pocket.

A tense silence fills the room. Delphine feels like crying again but it seems she is out of tears for today. She had been relieved when had said Cosima could go home, only to have it crumple when he talked about a CT scan.  _Be strong for Cosima_ she thinks, shaking her head and making her curls bounce slightly. Her stomach growls painfully and she realizes just how hungry she really is. Delphine glances at the clock reading  _10:46,_ realizing that she hasn't eaten since her banana and granola for lunch at work. She squeezes Cosima's hand, standing up before quietly saying "I need to head home and get some stuff if I'm going to sleep here, is that okay? I won't be gone long, I just need some clothes and a charger, normal stuff." Cosima offers a weak smile "Yeah that's fine, as long as you promise me two things." Delphine narrows her eyes, allowing Cosima to continue. "One; bring me some clothes too because they ruined that killer sweater that Scott gave me on my way in here." Delphine rolls her eyes, letting her head drop to one side. "Okay, and number two?" she teases, gently shaking their locked hands.

"Promise you'll come back?"

Cosima's voice wavers slightly as her bottom lip trembles and she looks down at her lap, picking at the blanket. Cosima looks so small and vulnerable in the bed, looking anywhere but at Delphine. Delphine's grin falls as her heart sinks. Her heart sinks so low that she has to sit on the edge of the bed to regain her composure. Delphine pulls both of Cosima's hands onto one of her own, and she reaches up with her other to tilt her chin up. Cosima is still looking down, now at her hands under Delphine's. "Look at me mon amour." she whispers tenderly. Cosima bites her bottom lip as her dark eyes meet Delphine's own. She cups her cheek, thumb gently stroking the soft skin beneath it. "I will always come back" she whispers with determination. She pours all of the love and hope she can muster into her words and fingertips, hoping that Cosima can feel it just as she can. Cosima presses her face more firmly into Delphine's touch as her eyes flutter shut. Her eyes remain shut as an almost silent "Okay." ghosts her lips. Delphine leans in to press a soft kiss to her lips. "I'll be back soon, okay? I love you." Cosima nods quickly, sniffling. Delphine's heart aches but she knows that the sooner she leaves, the sooner she can be back by Cosima's side for the night. She puts on her coat before leaning over and pressing a kiss to Cosima's hairline. "Right back, I promise"

Delphine leaves the room wiping her eyes, already pulling out her cellphone to call a cab. She heads to the front desk, thrusting her hands into her pockets after handing the folded slip to the woman behind the desk. She looks between Delphine and the paper twice before offering her a sad smile that would mirror 's if she had seen it. The woman books the CT for Thursday. "That's next week? Or the week after?" Delphine says, scrolling through her calendar app. "No, this coming Thursday." she replies, not making eye contact with Delphine. She furrows her brow.  _That's just three days after Cosima will get home._ "Really? That soon?" Delphine questions, a little stunned at the speed of their appointment. The woman just shrugs, her brown hair bouncing slightly. "The doctor must really like you!" she says nervously with a wary laugh.

Delphine is mulling this over as 'S. Stubbs' (as her nametag reads) prints the appointment instructions, she glances around the desks. Intricate timetables and family photos a nice contrast to the ever present white theme of the hospital. It's clear that this space is occupied often. Her eyes wander to the now unfolded paper she hadn't even glanced at before giving it to the woman. Delphine's chest tightens upon seeing the 6 letters that the doctor had scrawled in blue ink.

 

' _Urgent'_

 

Muttering a hollow 'okay' to S. Stubbs's farewell after being given Cosima's appointment prep info sheet, Delphine turns and walks outside to wait for her cab. She stands outside in the cold, coat zipper undone and hands not tucked into her pockets. She needs to feel something other than the twist in her gut and the pounding between her ears. Oh, how she would kill for a cigarette right now, but she's quitting for feels like mocking Cosima's weak lungs by smoking outside the building where she lies. She settles for drawing the frigid air into her lungs instead, savouring the burn in her throat. It's not the same, but it's enough. Her feet sting of cold in her leather boots, so she begins to walk back and forth. 

 _Calm down, Cormier_ she thinks.  _Cosima will come home tomorrow and then it will be fine, it's your day off tomorrow. Do something nice together, she's probably more scared than you. Her CT scan will be fine. Calm down, you're not the one who's in the hospital! Be good for Cos, she needs you. Everything is fine and she will be fine._

It's  _fine_.

 

...Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yellow Light - Of Monsters and Men


	3. Light Upon the Branches

Delphine steps into the apartment, inhaling deeply the warm and familiar scent. Home. She removes her boots before walking into the office for the second time today. She drops to her knees to clean up the groceries that had dropped to the floor. Delphine pointedly avoids looking at a dark spot on the carpet. Once clean, she moves around the small house to grab a few necessities: Toothbrushes, her phone charger, a book in case she couldn't sleep. It was supposed to be laundry day, so Delphine needs to wear Cosima's clothes tomorrow. She grabs a soft, oversized maroon hoodie for Cosima along with some simple leggings. As she's headed out to the door, she ducks into the bathroom to grab Cosima's eyeliner on a whim. Throwing it into her purse, she locks the door and heads to her small red car.

She strolls back into the hospital hallway, navigating through the white walls. She pokes her head into Cosima's room, smiling immediately when she sees her. Cosima has propped herself on her side, evidently waiting for Delphine to return. This isn't why Delphine is grinning like an idiot, though. She's grinning because she's apparently fallen asleep while propped up, so her glasses are askew and her mouth is slightly open as she breathes softly. I love this big dork.

Delphine quietly removes her boots so she doesn't make more noise than necessary and turns off the lights. She changes into the large tee shirt and sweatpants she brought to sleep in. Cosima hums at the slight outline of Delphine changing, making Delphine jump.

"Oh! Did I rouse you?"

"More like you _aroused_ me." she gets with a grin and chuckle from Cosima.

Delphine scrunches her nose up and knocks her foot through the blanket "Perv." she teases, making Cosima laugh harder.

"I can't help that you're hot all the time." Delphine laughs herself at this as she passes Cosima her tea. She raises her eyebrows before giving a pleased sound and sipping at the tea, a smile stretching across her face.

"Hot and caring, boy did I luck out."

"Shut up" Delphine grins as she leans to kiss Cosima's smirk off of her face. Delphine runs her tongue over Cosima's lip, immediately met with the taste of chai tea, a taste that is Cosima herself. Delphine never tires of kissing Cosima, it's always 'one more' and 'okay, last one I swear'.

"Move over" she whispers against her lips, before Cosima scoots over to allow Delphine some room. She climbs under the covers, tangling her legs with Cosima's instantly. Delphine lays on her side, facing Cosima. Cosima snakes her arm around Delphine's waist, fingers dipping slightly under the hem of her tee shirt. Delphine reaches up to scratch lightly at the nape of Cosima's neck, pulling her close for another kiss. Cosima pushes forward, melding her body against Delphine's front. Delphine squeaks at the sudden contact, making Cosima laugh against her lips. Delphine kisses with determination, nipping at Cosima's lip. Cosima drags her hand upwards underneath Delphine's shirt, which is met with a shaky inhale between kisses.

They know they're getting too heated for a hospital bed, but they're young and in love. As Cosima lightly scrapes dangerously close to Delphine's bare breast, Delphine tries to deny the pang between her legs.

"Not here, chérie" she says breathlessly.

"I know" Cosima responds, before dragging her fingertip lightly along the curve of her breast. "I just love teasing you" she smirks against her lips.

Delphine growls low in her throat, needing so much more but so much less. "Petit merde" she huffs, pouting. Cosima laughs before pulling her hand out from her top, brushing against the waistband of Delphine's pants on the way out.

Delphine shivers and bites her bottom lip. "You're right, let's get some sleep, okay babe?" she says innocently before a quick peck to the lips and turning around, her back facing Delphine.

Delphine blankly stares at the back of Cosima's head. The sudden change in pace has her reeling. Two can play at this game she thinks determinedly, moving to spoon Cosima. She drapes her arm across Cosima's waist, hand resting against her belly. She waits until Cosima's breath starts to even out before she starts to move her hand. She hears Cosima's breath hitch as she traces light patterns against her belly with her fingertips. Her patterns begin to grow, reaching upwards near her breasts, and nearing the waistline of her undies underneath the standard issue hospital gown. Her hand brushes the underside of Cosima's breast, and Cosima pushes her hips backwards into Delphine's front. Delphine leans her mouth close to Cosima's ear. "I thought we were sleeping?" she says innocently.

Cosima is about to reply when Delphine's fingertips dip barely into her undies and resume their patterns, just above where Cosima needs her. Cosima whimpers, and that's the sound that Delphine wanted to hear all along. She pulls her finger slowly out of her undies before kissing the back of her neck and placing her hand back on her belly, unmoving.

"Sleep well." She says against her neck. Cosima groans, pushing back against Delphine more.

"Ass." Cosima says through her teeth.

Delphine hums "Love you too." Trying to ignore the ache between her own legs as they fall asleep.

* * *

 

Delphine wakes up, her neck tightened into an uncomfortable crick and Cosima practically wrapped around her. She smiles and kisses the top of her head before carefully getting out of the small bed and changing into a simple skirt and blouse. She fishes her cell phone and wallet out of her bag before scribbling a note to Cosima.

'Went to get breakfast. Your clothes are in the bag. Love you xx'

Delphine rubs at her sore neck going to the Tim Hortons in the hospital cafeteria. She orders, and walks back to Cosima's room with two bagels (everything toasted with herb and garlic cream cheese for Cosima, cinnamon raisin toasted with plain cream cheese for herself) and two coffees (double double with cream for Cosima, black for herself). When she returns, Cosima is dressed in her maroon oversized sweater and simple black and white print leggings. She is sitting on the edge of the bed, free of the machines and beaming with Delphine's packed bag by her side.

"The doc came and said I'm free to go!"

Delphine grins back at her before handing her her coffee and throwing her bag over her shoulder. "Well, let's go then!"

They link hands again until they get to the car, where they climb in and sit both eating their bagels. Cosima scarfs hers down while Delphine slowly eats hers, savouring the last creamy bite. Cosima grins at her, laughing slightly.

"You've- uh. You've got some cheese there, babe." she laughs, leaning over the gear shift to wipe some stray cream cheese from the corner of her lips, as Delphine's cheeks redden. "Oh wait, I missed some." Cosima says, leaning across the console to connect their lips.

Delphine's eyes widen before closing them, keeping her lips pressed to Cosima's. Cosima pulls away, grinning. "Can we do something fun today? It's your day off right?" Delphine nods "Let's go for a walk in the park? I want to go home first and clean up, though. I still feel gross from the... uh... blood." she ends on a quiet note, looking down at her lap.

Delphine reaches across to weave her hand into Cosima's, before giving them a light squeeze. "Whatever you need, chérie." She smiles before starting the car and driving off.

Worry still lingers in Delphine's gut but she pushes it aside. She has a lunch to prepare and a girlfriend to pamper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Without Words - Ray Lamontagne


	4. Something To Drown Out The Noise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: This fic usually updates every Saturday, but since I was approved to AO3 today, all published chapters have been added along with a surprise chapter! This fic will continue to update every Saturday from here on out.

Delphine flits around the kitchen, putting the final touches on Cosima's surprise lunch. After some gentle persuasion, Cosima had retreated to the bathroom to take a _'soothing bath_ '. Delphine chose one of Cosima's favourite lunches; freshly made bruschetta and French onion soup ( _'You just make it better than everyone! I dunno! Maybe cause you're both French!'_ )

She was just taking the soup bowls out of the oven when she heard the bathroom door swing open, followed by the padding of bare feet towards their bedroom. The padding stops and Delphine hears a quiet sniff before the padding speeds up in her direction with a squealed _"No way!"_ as Cosima flies into the room.

Cosima stands in the centre of the kitchen, wrapped only in a pink towel and dripping water on the ground from the hem of her towel. Her eyes search the room quickly before landing on the bowls of piping hot soup, a grin stretching ear to ear on her face.

" _Delphine_! You made my favourite!" Cosima beams, hopping from foot to foot in excitement.

Delphine can't help but to crack a wide smile of her own, How did I get so lucky?

"Oui, I did, but nobody gets any lunch until you are dry and clothed." Delphine scolds, her arms crossed and an exaggerated scowl on her face.

Cosima fakes a pout before stepping closer to Delphine.

"Please?" she practically purrs, toying with the end of a stray dread.

Delphine knows this game all too well, and many a dinner had been ruined by Cosimas 'distracting' nature in the kitchen. Delphine kisses her squarely before pulling away and rotating Cosima fully, putting her hands on her damp shoulder blades.

"Go, get dressed. I made something else too." She says in her ear, before lightly shoving Cosima in the direction of their bedroom.

Cosima emerges fully clothed to see Delphine sitting patiently at the table. The wonderful smells of soup and freshly baked bread permeate the air, and she giddily shuffles to the table.

Delphine chuckles, as they both dig into the delicious food. Cosima groans as soon as the soup touches her tongue. Delphine blushes and extends her hand across the table, which Cosima links her own . She grins at Delphine, cheeks full of food and nodding eccentrically. Delphine knows that this is how Cosima says _'Thank you, it's really good and I like it a lot'_ when her mouth is full. She just says "You're welcome" sweetly. Cosima squeezes Delphine's hand enthusiastically, before returning to her lunch. Delphine looks at Cosima, tracing her every feature with her eyes.

She traces her toned arms, the gentle slope of her neck and the precision of her hands. She traces the muscles in her jaw that clench every time she chews on the crisp baguette, defining her jawline. Cosima's pink tongue pokes out to swipe some soup off of the corner of her lips. Delphine's eyes wander to her cheeks, still rosy from the heat of her bath. Her eyes move to Cosima's eyes, and through her thick glasses Delphine looks at her impeccably applied eyeliner. She looks at Cosima's soft collarbones and her slightly protruding sternum before skating down towards her cleavage. Delphine catches herself from staring too long, before she meets Cosima's quizzical eyes.

"You okay?"

"Oui, I am very okay"

To Delphine, she is every meaning of the word beautiful.

* * *

 

"You know, you never answered me last night."

"Hmm? About what?"

"When I asked how you were in the hospital," Cosima says, "you just poked fun at me and then didn't answer. Well, Dr. Bell walked in too but you still didn't answer."Well, Dr. Bell walked in too.

Delphine links her elbow with Cosima's, falling into step with her as they stride in the park. Their feet crunch the snow beneath their boots as they move towards their destination: A wooden bench overlooking the lake atop a small knoll. They have made a point of going to their bench every year at least once every two months, just to have some time alone in the woods. It's a safe place, a haven where they can be together in the quiet of the woods. No work, no friends, just the earth and their love.

"So... how are you? Do you want to talk about it?" Cosima continues after a few beats of silence.

"Do you?" Delphine asks, looking at Cosima out of the corner of her eye.

Cosima tilts her head to look at Delphine, _duh_. Delphine nods a few times.

"I'm euh... I'm better than I was yesterday."

"That's not a real answer" Cosima presses gently.

Delphine inhales deeply. Her shoulders still feel heavy from yesterday's events, and there is a residual lump still lodged in her throat. She licks her lips nervously before starting again.

"I'm a little shaken up from yesterday still. I'm a... a little scared for Thursday. I mean - I know I'm not the one getting the scan, but... yeah..."

Cosima presses her fingers into Delphine's arm, giving her a reassuring squeeze, silently allowing her to continue.

"It's just... Cosima, we have been through so much together. I don't know what I would do if-"

"Delphine." Cosima interrupts, halting their pace. Delphine meets Cosima's eyes.

"I'm sure it'll be okay." Cosima continues. "Let's keep it light, okay? I know I'm the one who asked about it but, y'know, we are going to our spot. Let's keep it happy?"

Cosima rubs her mittened hands up and down Delphine's arms gently, soothing the tension that had begun to build. Delphine closes her eyes and gives a small nod.

"Yeah?" Delphine asks quietly.

"Yeah, C'mon, let's go. It's starting to get like, super cold and I want to see if the lake is icy or not."

They had been sitting on their bench for sixteen minutes before it started snowing. All Delphine had to do was turn her head to see a very wide-eyed Cosima smiling mischievously at her. Before it had started snowing, there had just been normal boring snow on the ground, but now there was an atmosphere for games.

"Cosima, no!"

Cosima slowly scooped a handful of snow from the unused end of the bench.

"Cosima, this is not funny."

Cosima raised her arm.

"Cosima, NO-"

Delphine is cut off by a large wad of snow being shoved in her face, her open mouth tasting the cold snow. She reaches up, wiping the snow off her face, and looks Cosima dead in the eyes before spitting the snow onto the ground. Cosima's face turns red as she tries desperately to keep from howling in laughter.

"You. Are. So. _DEAD_!"

Cosima lets out a shriek as she bolts from the bench, quickly followed by Delphine. Both laughing, Delphine chases Cosima back down the path, narrowly avoiding oncoming park-goers. Neither of them even think to look at the pedestrians who just barely get out of their way, their focus entirely on one another. Cosima's dreads sway back and forth as she runs, flecks of snow lightly dusting the tops. Delphine lets out a shriek as she loses her balance, slipping on a patch of ice. She hears Cosima bark a laugh ahead of her. Delphine can see the puffs of hot air that Cosima pants out, disappearing as quickly as the next appears. She can feel the slight burning in her throat, so alike but so different from the cigarettes she used to smoke. This is cleaner, more pure. 'Cosima deserves any purity that I can give her' Delphine thinks.

The park is but a snowglobe, the only occupants two women madly in love.

Delphine's longer legs eventually serve some purpose, as she catches up to Cosima as they near the parking lot. Delphine grabs Cosima's elbow, effectively slowing them next to their car. She scoops her own handful of snow and plops it squarely on the top of Cosima's head.

" _Hey!_ "

"You started it!"

Cosima shrugs, wrapping her arms around Delphine's waist.

"Mm, yeah, okay maybe I did." she grins, admitting defeat before leaning on her tiptoes to meet Delphine's lips with her own. Delphine grins into the kiss, loving the contrast from the icy snow to Cosima's warm lips. Nipping softly at Cosima's bottom lip as a distraction, she reaches for the snow atop their car...

"Delphine! I can't believe you!" Cosima shrieks, trying to fish the snow from the nape of her neck and down between her shoulder blades. Cosima dances, trying to shake the cold snow from her coat. The icy chill freezing her skin, stuck in her clothing. Delphine doubles over laughing, and soon Cosima joins. Delphine pulls her into her arms and kisses her temple.

"Get in the car. We're in a fight." Cosima says with a smile that contradicts her decree.

* * *

 

Delphine sighs quietly, observing the soft yellow tone that had washed the room when the sunlight had been replaced by streetlamps long ago. Cosima and Delphine lay in their bed together, limbs tangled in the maroon sheets. These sheets have seen so much, she thinks. These are the sheets that Cosima draped across two chairs and a table, making a cozy pillow-filled fort to surprise Delphine after a sixteen hour work day. These are the sheets that have been bunched in fists and clenched in teeth, muffling a stray moan. Many evenings spent with a wheezing laptop and furious fingers where sleep was avoided until three in the morning have transpired atop these sheets. Huddled in these sheets is where Delphine had tried (and failed) to teach Cosima some basic French, using kisses as rewards. These sheets have suffered through tea, crumbs, coffee and (only once) weed, silent tears wetting both pillows and cold spaces between two angry bodies that would be inevitably tangled together by morning.

Delphine had savoured this day she'd shared with the girl whose arms she now lay. Cosima breathed softly, long asleep, but Delphine couldn't quite fall asleep yet. She wanted to feel the warmth of Cosima's skin against hers, feel her strong arms wrapped around her shoulders, keeping her safe. Keeping her safe from what, she didn't know just yet.

Ever since her eyes had graced the word ' _URGENT_ ,' Delphine hadn't been able to shake the thought, but Cosima had banished the worry to the far corner of her mind today, replacing it with laughter and warmth and love. Now that Cosima was asleep, Delphine's mind was free to wander and let the worry seep back into full view.

_They wouldn't have booked an 'urgent' CT scan if they hadn't needed to, if Cosima wasn't in danger. They would've booked it the usual one or two weeks later, not three days afterwards. The normal diagnostics had come up inconclusive. Delphine's mind flashed back to the trembling Cosima she held in her arms. The blood trickling down Cosima's blank face, the blood on the carpet, the blood on her sweater. What could all this blood mean for Cosima? What if-_

Cosima takes a deep breath while she sleeps, her arms slightly tightening around Delphine's shoulders, interrupting Delphine's train of thought. Calm down.

_Feel her breathing._

Delphine feels the soft puffs of air that escape Cosima's lips against her skin, reminding her that for now, Cosima is safe.

_Listen to her heartbeat._

Delphine counts the beats within Cosima's chest, trying to match her own up to the slow drum-beat of her life.

_Feel her warmth._

Delphine sinks into the warmth of her skin, acutely aware of the strong arms that keep her grounded.

_Listen to her breathing._

Delphine presses her ear to Cosima's chest and traps her own breath, so as to only hear Cosima's.

Delphine hears the soft in-and-out of airflow through her lungs. Delphine feels the expansion of Cosima's chest, the slow rise and fall.

 

But Delphine can hear another thing.

 

It is faint, so faint that you wouldn't be able to hear it without the room being deathly silent, your ear pressed snugly to the skin and not even breathing yourself.

 

But it is indeed there.

 

Underneath the warmth that is snowball fights and love, there is an ever so slight rattle that punctuates every inhale within Cosima's chest.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I Don't Mind - Defeater


	5. Hold Her Tight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The M rating comes into play after the first cut and stops at the second cut, for all those who don't want to read it. Happy Valentine's Day!

Delphine awoke with a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. As they slept, Cosima and Delphine had rearranged themselves so that Cosima's arms were wrapped loosely around Delphine's waist, nose pressed between her shoulderblades and thighs snug against Delphine's own. Delphine feels the small puffs of air that Cosima exhales, still deep in slumber. Delphine lets her eyelids flutter shut, basking in the warmth that Cosima's body offers. The early-morning sunlight streaming through the parted curtains paints half the room's colours brighter than a usual day, somehow still not bright enough for Delphine's liking. Cosima's various pieces of jewelry glitter and gleam, casting flecks of reflections around the room. _Like a kaleidoscope._

Delphine decides to get up and make breakfast before Cosima wakes up, gently prying Cosima's loving arms from her waist. Swinging her legs over the side of the bed, she places her bare feet on the floor and into some panties. Standing up, she pulls them up over her bare hips and throws on a loose t-shirt before heading to the kitchen. She runs her long fingers through her hair, trying to re-instate some order to her unkempt curls. She starts the coffee machine, settling for making some simple porridge as she flicks the switch.

* * *

Delphine leans up on her tip-toes to reach the jar of brown sugar on the top shelf, the bowls of porridge steaming on the table. She nearly drops the jar when a pair of cool hands snake up her ribs underneath her shirt, startling her. Cosima's hands trace small circles on the sensitive skin beneath Delphine's shirt, a muffled "Good morning" mumbled against her back.

Delphine sets the jar on the countertop before spinning to face Cosima, the small of her back pressed against the countertop. Cosima's arms move to either side of Delphine, bracing herself against the countertop. Delphine reaches up to cup Cosima's cheeks in her hands, their lips barely touching with a whispered, "Good morning to you, too," before pressing forwards and kissing Cosima fully.

Cosima grins into the kiss, stepping forwards to press her body entirely against Delphine's. Returning hands travel down to feel Cosima's strong shoulder muscles before skating to rest against Cosima's rear. Cosima lets a small gasp escape before chuckling and lowering her lips to Delphine's jawline, pressing hot kisses against ivory skin. Delphine bites her lip, angling her neck to the side to allow Cosima more skin to mark. She dips her fingers beneath the waistband of Cosima's panties, squeezing the supple skin she finds. Delphine's eyelids flutter shut, barely containing a moan as Cosima leaves a mark on the pulse-point of her neck.

Delphine removes her hands from Cosima's waistband, sliding them around and pressing her warm palm against Cosima's toned stomach. She reaches up with one, guiding Cosima's face from her neck and connecting their lips harshly. Cosima softly purrs against her lips, her own hand palming Delphine's breast over the thin fabric of her t-shirt. Delphine presses her thumb into Cosima's hipbones, steadying herself against her embarrassingly sudden wave of arousal. Cosima's tongue swipes against her bottom lip, and she accepts immediately. Cosima presses her hips against Delphine's, eliciting a soft whimper.

"Our breakfast is going to get cold." Delphine says with a teasing circle drawn on Cosima's hip.

"I have better things to taste." Cosima replies before slipping her hand up Delphine's shirt and cupping her bare breast.

Delphine moans as Cosima's thumb grazes her nipple, sending a wave of warmth between her thighs. Cosima nudges Delphine's legs with her thigh, to which Delphine pushes herself up to sit on the countertop before resuming their heated kiss, Cosima sliding between her parted legs.

Cosima's lower belly presses flush against the apex of Delphine's thighs, the warmth startling both of them. Cosima resumes her previous advances, her agile hands against Delphine's breasts. The slight friction against her has Delphine whimpering into Cosima's mouth, needing more than gentle caresses and harsh kisses. Delphine grinds her hips into Cosima, silently begging.

" _S'il vous plaît_..." she groans against Cosima's lips.

Cosima immediately obliges, bringing her hand down to cup Delphine through her panties, met with a shaky inhale and a jerk of her hips. Cosima presses two fingertips against Delphine, rubbing up and down over the damp fabric. The heel of Cosima's hand brushes Delphine's clit on every downward stroke, slowly driving Delphine insane. She hooks her heels into the backs of Cosima's thighs as she crosses her ankles. She needs so much more than this.

She tugs on the back of Cosima's neck, bringing her ear to lips before husking " _Baise-moi, Cosima_ " met with a low growl in Cosima's throat.

This is all the encouragement Cosima needs, her strong arm hoisting Delphine up with one hand while pulling her panties down her thighs with the other. Delphine spreads her thighs wider, eager and needy. Cosima quickly resumes stroking Delphine up and down, her fingertips dipping into her shallowly on the downstroke and bumping her clit with every upward stroke. Delphine grinds her hips in tandem with Cosima's fingers, needing _more_. Delphine digs her fingernails into Cosima's lower back, pulling her flush and pushing her fingers knuckle deep inside. Delphine lets out a guttural moan, finally receiving the pressure she craved. Cosima begins to rock her hips, meeting Delphine's own movements and curling her fingers with every stroke. Cosima speeds her thrusts, increasing the frequency of soft pants escaping Delphine's lips. A pang of pleasure causes her to jerk her head back as Cosima begins to trace circles against her clit with her thumb. Delphine is embarrassingly close already, she won't take long. She can feel the coil of pressure build low in her stomach, increasing with every thrust.

Delphine captures Cosima's bottom lip between her teeth, muffling a moan as she tumbles over the edge. She screws her eyes shut as her thighs tremble, riding Cosima's skilled fingers. Cosima continues to gently rock her hips as Delphine continues to gently pant against her lips, kissing her softly.

Once Delphine stops trembling, Cosima removes her slick fingers from Delphine and promptly draws them into her own mouth. Delphine drapes her arms around Cosima's neck before kissing her squarely.

"Let's... continue this... in the shower?" Delphine suggests between soft pants. Cosima responds with a wolfish grin and a swift kiss to the corner of her lips.

The porridge sits forgotten and cold on the table before they even think about anything but each other.

* * *

Cosima lays with her head in Delphine's lap, legs curled up on the couch. Her eyes are closed in pleasure as Delphine's fingers gently play with her dreads and dance against her scalp. A long day of doing nothing but being together has tired them both out, along with other 'activities'. A quiet day full of kisses, cuddles and warmth had ensnared them in their own little bubble, eyes longing only for one another (and maybe some daytime TV).

They had started watching a movie about a bride and the wedding florist falling in love over an hour ago, once they had finished dinner. At first, they had just been pressed together side-by-side, but Cosima had slowly scooted down to lay her head atop Delphine's thighs. A happy tune plays as the two women on screen embrace, kissing and laughing before fading into the credits. Delphine sighs happily before leaning down and gently tapping Cosima's forehead.

"Wakey-wakey, mon ange," she teases, "what do we want to do now?"

Cosima buries her face into Delphine's thigh, yawning deeply.

"Mmm...cuddle"

Delphine chuckles quietly, scrolling through Netflix for something light to put on in the background. She settles for a French movie about a quirky girl searching for the owner of some old toys. Delphine raises her thighs, eliciting a grumpy " _noo_ " from Cosima as her head is moved.

"I want to lay down with you, silly." Delphine jokes. A beat of silence is followed by a groan from Cosima, before she props herself up on her elbows, allowing Delphine to scoot down to lay on the couch. As soon as Delphine's head hits the pillow, Cosima flops back down onto Delphine's frame, met with an "Oof."

Delphine immediately wraps her arms around Cosima, tracing small lines up and down her spine. Cosima presses her face into Delphine's sternum, cold nose against her freckled skin. She places her chilly hands against Delphine's collarbones, igniting a shiver from Delphine.

"You're freezing!" Delphine remarks, moving to pull a blanket from the back of the couch over Cosima and herself. Cosima makes an appreciative noise before grazing her lips against Delphine's skin as a thank you.

These are Delphine's favourite moments.

Obviously she loves coffee shop dates, steamy shower sessions and romantic evenings with Cosima, but these small moments of pure innocence never fail to warm her from the inside out. She loves the gentle curve of Cosima's neck, down to her shoulders and down her back. She loves the way that Cosima's eyelashes flutter gently against her skin, tickling her. She loves the small crevice she can feel in the center of her back. She loves the warmth that Cosima radiates, a sense of security and home filling her the moment her skin touches her own. She loves the gentle caress of cool fingertips ghosting against her collarbones, a contrast to the warmth beneath the blanket.

Delphine is utterly in love with Cosima, plain and simple.

Delphine can feel her eyelids becoming heavy, the steady breaths of Cosima lulling her to sleep.

* * *

 

Delphine is awakened by gentle shaking of her shoulders, the room dark and the TV off.

"Quoi?" she grumbles.

"We don't want to sleep on the couch, c'mon." Cosima whispers, gently tugging on her arms. Delphine can hear the smile on Cosima's lips, but that doesn't mean she has to smile too. Delphine groans before rising from the couch, grabbing Cosima's hand. The cold night air in their apartment sends ripples of goosebumps across her skin, causing a shiver. Delphine can't seem to hold her eyes open as she is blindly led to their bedroom by Cosima. She lazily strips off her t-shirt before climbing under the cool covers, grumpy at the warmth that she was so rudely pulled from. She is about to voice a complaint when Cosima slides next to her, pressing her heat to Delphine's backside. Delphine's comment dies in her throat, a smile beginning to spread on her face as Cosima's heat spreads through her body.

Cosima presses a single kiss at the base of Delphine's neck.

"I love you" Cosima whispers.

"Je t'aime, aussi"

* * *

Happy Together - The Turtles


	6. Let It Unfold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN : Swearing / CSAC will now update Wednesdays AND Saturdays!

Delphine stretches her arm blindly across the bed to find... _cold sheets?_ She taps the mattress a few times to affirm that Cosima is indeed not really next to her. She furrows her brow before cracking her eyes open, wincing at the sudden invasion of sunlight. She cranes her neck up, surveying the empty room. _Where...?  
_

Cosima pokes her head into the doorframe, dreads swooping with the movement.  
  
"Mornin'! You're gonna be late for work!"  
  
Delphine's head thumps back onto the pillow, shutting her eyes again.  
  
"I booked the morning off for..."  
  
Delphine suddenly remembers.  
  
Cosima's scan is today.  
  
Delphine whips her head back up, eyes painfully wide, staring at Cosima. Standing fully in the room now, Cosima let's her shoulders droop with a pout.  
  
"Aw, Del! You didn't have to do that! I'm sure it'll be quick. And besides, you don't really need to be there."  
  
"I want to be there." Delphine responds simply, sitting up and rubbing the sleep from her eyes with a yawn.  
  
"Well, thank you.” Cosima says, spinning a ring on her finger “I kinda want you there, anyways" Delphine smiles dopily, face still drowsy with sleep. Cosima smiles before softly tapping the wooden doorframe on the way out.  
  
"C'mon, miss 'I'm-a-morning-person!"  
  
"I am usually a morning person!" Delphine argues through another stray yawn.  
  
Cosima giggles "Yeah okay, sleepyhead. Breakfast and coffee are on the table when you're ready. Eat soon, the smells are tempting."  
  
"Aren't you having breakfast?" Delphine calls out, Cosima now fully out of the room.  
  
"I can't eat before the scan!"  
  
 _Right. Obviously. Where is your head today, Cormier?_  
  
Delphine won't try to deny her lingering unease, but that doesn't mean that she won't put on a brave face for the woman she loves.

 

* * *

 

Delphine sits in the wobbly plastic chair, one leg too short to keep the chair in one position. Cosima's scan should be done soon, so she'll probably be out and ready to go in a few minutes. Delphine has been nervously bouncing her leg throughout the whole time she's been waiting.  
  
Delphine wouldn't be worried if it weren't for the quiet rattling she has heard in Cosima's chest. She knows that lots of times CT scans are just precautionary. However, this obviously isn't a "usual" scan. _Urgent_ her mind nags, pricking at the base of her skull. Delphine reaches up to scratch at the itch at the nape of her neck that can’t be relieved, no matter how hard she digs her fingernails into her skin. She exhales deeply, surveying the room.  
  
She’s in a different waiting room this time, it’s smaller and less noisy. The walls are painted a soft mint that’s probably meant to be calming, but it’s faded and now it looks dejected and sad. Still, it’s better than the aggressive ER waiting room, with the white floors and walls, cold steel chairs and crying occupants. Delphine would pick this quiet dullness over clinical chaos any day.  
  
The sound of a door squealing open draws Delphine’s attention to the end of the hallway, where Cosima is shaking a doctor’s hand. Delphine stands, gathering her things and walking towards Cosima. The doctor turns and re-enters the room that they had exited, before Delphine loops her arm with Cosima’s.  
  
Cosima gasps before gently unlinking their arms and switching to the other side to link them again. Delphine furrows her brow.  
  
"IV arm for contact stuff, it's a little tender" Cosima explains.  
  
"Oh! DésoIée, sorry." responds Delphine, now understanding.  
  
Cosima grins up at Delphine, still unmoving from their spot in the middle of the hallway. Her eyes flicker to Delphine's lips before biting her own. Delphine shakes her head gently before leaning down to peck Cosima's lips, feeling a grin stretch against her mouth. Cosima kisses her twice before tugging on her arm, leading her to the exit.  
  
"Can we have lunch?" Cosima pouts. "I'm starving because I didn't get to eat and I had to watch you eat those eggs this morning."  
  
Delphine chuckles, looking down at their feet as they walk.  
  
"Oui, we can. Fung's?"  
  
"Oh, you know me so well!" Cosima fakes surprise, mouth agape and free hand pressed to her chest.  
  
Delphine elbows her gently in the ribs, earning a bubbly laugh.  
  
For now, Cosima will distract her.

 

* * *

 

It's six days after Cosima's scan when Delphine realizes that her results are long overdue. Delphine heads to the living room where Cosima is reading something with her laptop on her crossed legs. Delphine walks up behind Cosima, her headphones blaring in her ears. Delphine places her hands against Cosima's shoulders, causing a yelp and a slam of her laptop closing harshly. Delphine immediately removes her hands, leaning back as Cosima twists in her seat to face her.  
  
"Are you alright...?"  


"Y-yeah.. yeah you just um," Cosima exhales, "you just startled me is all."  


"I'm sorry, your music was loud so I wasn't sure I could get your attention otherwise. What were you reading?" Delphine asks curiously.  


"Oh y'know, just some article."  


Cosima's eyes avoid Delphine's as she says this, darting between her neckline and hair. Cosima fiddles with her rings, twirling them furiously.  


"I just came in here to ask if you'd heard anything from the doctor?"  


"The doctor?" Cosima scratches her head, seeming oblivious.  


"Oui? About your scan...?" Delphine almost laughs, what else would we need to hear about?  


"Oh!" Cosima exclaims.  


"...Are you sure you're okay, chérie?" Delphine places her hands back on Cosima's shoulders.  


"Uh yeah, why d'you ask?"  


_You've been distant and snippy, shying away from me._  


"You just seem a little off."  


Cosima places her own hand over Delphine's, tracing small circles on her knuckles. She adopts an apologetic face, an uncharacteristic tight-lipped smile sitting uncomfortably on her face.  


"It's just work, it's not anything to do with you, babe."  


"Is it about your scan?"  


Cosima's hand falters in her actions only barely, her face dropping it’s collected facade for a split second, but Delphine catches it.  


_Something is up._  


"No, I haven't heard anything back yet, so I don't know if there's anything to be stressed about."  


"Should I call and see if they have the results? They certainly have had enough ti-”  


"-No!,” Cosima cuts in, “I mean, no it's fine. I'm sure they're gonna call soon."  


"D'accord." Delphine drawls, removing her hands from Cosima and leaving the room.  


 _Ce qui se passe?_ She thinks as she hears Cosima open her laptop and begin furiously typing.

* * *

 

Five days after the laptop incident, Delphine is startled by a harsh slam of their door as she makes dinner.  


"Mon amour?" she calls, to no answer.  


She wipes off her hands before walking to their entrance. Cosima is standing with her back turned to Delphine, seemingly unawares that she’s there. Cosima's face seems to be in one of her hands, the other obscured by her large down coat.  


"Cosima?"  


Cosima jumps before hastily rummaging with her bag and turning her head.  


"Oh, hey, I didn't hear you sneak up on me."  


Her voice is flat and hollow, even though her words are light and teasing.  


"Are you okay?"  


"Yeah, yeah, just a rough day at work."  


Delphine knows that's not the entire truth, but she doesn't press the issue. She walks to Cosima with open arms, hoping for a hug.  


Cosima flinches as her arms raise, hands tightening around her bag.  


Delphine stops in her tracks, her arms falling to her side.  


Cosima's eyes widen like she’d been caught red handed.  


"Are you hiding something? You know that I don't care if you smoke as long as it's not in the apartment, it's not like you have to hide that." Delphine asks, her eyes narrowing.  


"Yeah, haha. You caught me." Cosima says, visibly relieved. Her shoulders slacken as she puts her bag down and starts to remove her large coat.  


Delphine reaches for Cosima's hands once she's fully taken off her coat. She presses her forehead to Cosima's.  


"Were the kids mean today?" Delphine asks.  


"What? I didn- Oh, oh right, work. Uh- yeah they were. Joking about my... my hair."  


"Pauvre petit chiot." she croons, pecking her lips once before trailing her hands up and down Cosima's wrists.  


Delphine's fingers meet the familiar warm skin, smooth bangles, rough leather bracelets and -  


_What?_  


Delphine can feel thin, flimsy plastic against her fingertips before Cosima rips her hands away and pulls her hands into her sleeves. Delphine is taken aback, her suspicions confirmed. Anger begins to stew in her chest, what could she be hiding from me?  


"Okay, now I _know_ you're hiding something."  


"No I'm not." Cosima growls, pushing past Delphine and into their apartment.  


"Yes, you are!" Delphine yells after her, before following her into the living room.  


" _No_ I'm _not_! Just drop it Delphine!"  


"Non, I'm not going to drop it! You're hiding something from me! You've been acting differently for nearly two weeks!"  


" _Leave it_ , Delphine."  


"Merde, Cosima! Why can't you tell me? I'm sure I can help you! Did someone say something at the school?" Her hands are on her hips now.  


Cosima barks a dry laugh, “No, I _wish_ ,” before mumbling, "Nobody can help me."  


"If you told me I'm sure I could at least try?" Delphine tries again.  


"There's nothing wrong, Delphine!"  


"Bullshit, Cosima! You've been closed off and agitated! Why won't you let me in?" She's fully yelling now, hands waving in front of her waist.  


Cosima turn around, looking at Delphine with tears in her eyes. Her shoulders look weighed down, her spirit visibly drained.  


" _Please_ , Delphine, just leave it."  


"Cosima, you're crying! Obviously something is wrong! You don't have to go into detail, mais si vous plaît, just tell me. I don’t care if you’ve done something stupid, just tell me."  


They stand across from each other, fuming.  


Cosima heaves in a broken breath, her bottom lip trembles. She sinks to sit on the couch, her face in her hands. Cosima mumbles something that Delphine can’t quite hear.  


"What?" Delphine snaps.  


Cosima wrenches her face from her hands, eyes red and desperate. She grips the edge of the cushion so hard her knuckles threaten to break through her skin.  


"I'm sick! I'm sick, Delphine!" The words sound tight, like her throat was trying to keep them trapped inside of her as they twist and tear out of her throat. Cosima’s face looks pained, as if the words have left slashes of red in her raw throat on their way out.  


Delphine stands still, frozen.  


 _No_ , her mind screams in desperation, _Please, anything but this. Cosima cannot be sick, non. She is my world, she can’t be sick. Mon Dieu, this cannot be real. Non! Non! Why would this happen to her! She is so strong and good, she doesn’t deserve this! What does this all mean for her, for us? How could this have happened to the strongest person I know? How could she not tell me? Does she not trust me? She’s been hiding this from me for two weeks? What is going to happen?_  


Too many beats of silence hang in the air before Cosima rips up her sleeve to reveal the flimsy plastic band on her wrist.  


A white hospital band.  


"I'm the worst possible kind of sick!" she says, pointing at the hospital band. It slides and clicks into place in Delphine’s mind: the slam of the laptop, the evasive eyes, nervous hands.  


Delphine is suddenly angry again.  


"Tu a- You went to the hospital? Again? What for? Did- you, you had the results and you _hid_ them from me?!" Her face is reddening, her arms moving on their own free will.  


Her mind is pleading _Comfort her! She is sick! Why are you screaming, trou de cul!_ But she doesn't listen, the angry red monster has reared it's ugly head.  


"How could you hide this sort of thing from me, Cosima!?"  


"It's my problem to deal with!"  


"This is our problem! How could you not tell me?"  


Cosima grits her teeth, standing back up.  


"It's _my_ biology, it's _my_ problem!"  


"How can you think that! I love you! I love you! How could you possibly think that I wouldn't be bothered by this being kept from me? It's your health!"  


"Yeah, _my_ health! _Mine_!"  


Delphine pulls at her hair.  


"How can you be like this, c'est fou! Absolument fou, Cosima! We live together! Did you think I would just not notice? Or did you not care?"  


"Fuck! Delphine, I'm not ready to talk about this!"  


"Well what about when I’m ready, hm? You've known longer than me, so I think you might as well be! Hiding this puts me in pain too, Cosima!"  


"Fucking hell! You know what? No. I'm not talking about this anymore."  


"Oh, so you're just going to-"  


Delphine is cut off by a violent slam of their bedroom door. She hears muffled shouting from behind the door. She rips at her hair again before the reality hits her.  


_"I'm sick! I'm sick, Delphine!"_  


Dread and regret immediately weigh her limbs down. She sinks to her knees on the floor, tears welling in her eyes. She clamps her hand over her mouth to stifle a gasp, her other hand clutching the rug. Her fingers clench repeatedly at the worn carpet, knuckles whitening.  


_"I'm the worst possible kind of sick!"_  


Delphine heaves a sob, tears freely burning down her cheeks. Her supportive arm falters as she hits the ground, not caring for either the sharp pain in her shoulder nor the dull pain that is sure to punish her tomorrow. _I deserve it, after the things I said to Cosima._  


Delphine curls up on the floor, hugging her knees. Her fingernails dig painfully into her skin through her clothes, grounding herself as best she can. She lets hot tears scald her face, not caring to rub them away as she gently rocks herself. Her shoulders shake with anger and despair, clawing at each others throats.  


 _I'msorryimsosorryimsoimsosorryimsojesuisdésoléedésolée_ screams painfully within her skull as she shakes, exhausted on the floor.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN : Unfold - The XX


	7. Quand Je Suis Dans Tes Bras

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: There won't be an update next Wednesday because I'm going to be MIA, but regular updates will continue next Saturday! Longer chapter today as a sorry!

Delphine is roused by the feelings of fingertips softly tracing the top of her hand. She can feel Cosima next to her before she sees her, her eyes remaining closed. Delphine is aware of a pillow beneath her head and a blanket draped across her. Delphine feels a pang of guilt in her stomach, Cosima had taken care of her while she slept even after she had shouted at her.

 

"Je suis désolée." she whispers, her voice cracking through her raw throat. She opens her hazel eyes, met with Cosima's dark brown. Cosima's face is blotchy, her eyes red from crying. She hadn't even bothered with eyeliner, her face completely bare.

 

"Vraiment. I am so sorry. I was out of line an-"

 

Cosima sniffles before saying "I know. I am too. I just... didn't want to hurt you."

 

A heavy silence weighs on the room, both of them afraid to acknowledge the weight in the room. Delphine turns her hand over underneath Cosima's, tracing her nautilus tattoo. She brushes against the flimsy plastic band around Cosima's wrist, guilt sinking lower into her gut. They sit in silence for as long as it's humanly bearable. Cosima is the first to break the quiet.

 

"It's cancer." she says quietly.

 

Delphine’s chest feels cold, numb. Her mouth falls open, but she doesn't know what to say. She's been stunned into silence. Delphine didn't know that silence could hurt like this. Now she knows, silence can be immobilizing, chilling, gut-churning and horrifying. She rises so that they're both sitting cross legged, knees touching. Her shoulder throbs painfully as she pushes herself up.

 

Cosima clears her throat, nodding with a tight grimace.

 

"So uh... do you want to hear the whole story?" Cosima asks.

 

Delphine nods, still unable to find her voice.

 

Cosima takes a deep breath.

 

"So, I got the results of the first scan two days afterwards. They said that the seizure and blood were just an enzyme imbalance, no big there. It wouldn't have affected me as much as it did without the other thing...They also said that there was some buildup in the fork of my lungs, and it was moving down into one of them. They got that from the scan. It looked like mucus, but I wasn't actually coughing anything like that up, so they called and asked for a different scan."

 

Delphine remembers the rattling so well she can practically still hear it. She swallows.

 

"I went in for the second scan, and those results came back faster. It uh-" Cosima's voice breaks, her lip quaking. Delphine gives her hand a reaffirming squeeze.

 

"It's a tumour. Well, that's probably not the right word. Yesterday I didn't actually have work, I went to the hospital for another blood test, hence the new bracelet. I got the results back last night. They're in my bag, over there." She says as she points to her bag, slouched against the front door.

 

Delphine finally finds her voice. She sounds hoarse and croaky, her throat raw from shouting and crying.

 

"And... treatment?" she asks tentatively.

 

Cosima shrugs "They dunno yet. I- well, we have a consultation sometime soon to talk about that."

 

Cosima's shoulders sag, clearly exhausted. Delphine opens her arms, leaning back against the couch. Cosima adjusts her position, sitting in Delphine's lap. Her small frame is soon cradled by Delphine's long arms, gathering her in an embrace. Delphine brings one of her palms to rest on Cosima's back, the other against Cosima's ribs. Cosima inhales shakily against her collarbone before starting to sob. She tugs at Delphine's shirt collar, the fabric becoming damp with tears.

 

Delphine pulls her closer, wrapping her arms around her and rubbing soothing circles on her back. Cosima folds herself inwards, resembling a child with her small size. Delphine can feel her throat threatening to break into choking tears, but she fights her own body to cry silently.

 

Delphine cradles Cosima's head, petting her dreads and gently rocking her. Cosima's sobs begin to space further and further apart, before diminishing into quiet sniffles against Delphine's collar bone.

 

Delphine clears her throat, thinking suddenly of something her mother used to do to calm her when she was small. She thinks for a few beats, before softly singing into Cosima's hair.

 

_Si tu n'étais pas là_

_Comment pourrais-je vivre ?_

_Je ne connaîtrais pas_

_Ce bonheur qui m'enivre_

 

It’s an old French song that her Grandmère used to sing to her Maman, and her Maman to her when she was small.

 

_Tu reviens et soudain_

_Plus de tristesse_

_Car tu sais l'effacer_

_D'une caresse_

 

Delphine kisses Cosima’s head between lines, humming the bits she doesn’t remember the words to. She can feel Cosima’s breathing start to even out, the hitching in her breaths almost gone.

 

_Je ne connaîtrais pas_

_Ce bonheur qui m'enivre_

_Quand je suis dans tes bras_

 

Delphine continues to sing and rock as she feels Cosima slacken against her, grip loosening on her collar.

 

_Mon coeur joyeux se livre_

_Comment pourrais-je vivre_

_Si tu n'étais pas là ?_

 

Delphine can feel nerves starting to trickle between her ribs and into her chest as she finishes the last line, but she pushes the feeling away. She concentrates instead on feeling the weight of Cosima resting on her lap, the wetness on her shirt, the soft texture of Cosima’s sweater beneath her fingertips. She tightens her hands against Cosima’s body, pulling her impossibly closer. Delphine thinks that maybe, just maybe, if she holds tight enough, everything will be okay.

 

“What does it mean?” Cosima asks, muffled against Delphine’s shoulder.

 

 _How could I live if you weren’t here?_ Delphine wants to say, those are the lyrics, but Delphine isn’t ready to say these words and Cosima isn’t ready to hear them. She swallows, pushing down the truth.

 

“Just that I love you very much, and I always will no matter what.”

 

They both know she’s lying, but it’s better than the truth.

 

* * *

 

 

Delphine’s hand is clasped with Cosima’s, clammy and cool against her skin. Cosima squeezes gently, bringing her other hand to cover their joined hands. Cosima gives her a tight-lipped smile before looking back down at her lap, her leg bouncing. They sit in another waiting room, this one painted a pale yellow, or what may have used to have been yellow. The Pulmonology wing is deserted save for a lone woman with short red hair, faux fur coat and a German accent speaking to the receptionist on her way out.

 

"Danke" the German says with a curt nod, turning and exiting, leaving Delphine and Cosima alone.

 

Delphine surveys the room to distract herself from the upcoming appointment that will surely change their lives. She counts twenty-two chairs, seven magazines and three pieces of art on the walls. There are two fake plants and one real plant, only distinguishable because of its faded brown leaves. _Why would they have a dying plant in a hospital? It seems cruel._

 

“Ms. Niehaus?” the receptionist stands far in front of them in pink scrubs. They both look up, then to each other and begin to stand  to stand.

 

“The doctor is ready for you.” the woman says before returning back behind her ovular desk.

 

Delphine holds Cosima’s hand tightly as they walk into the room where a new doctor sits alongside Dr.Bell. Her face is stern but not uncaring, a motherly look with long brown hair and light grey eyes.

 

“Good morning ladies, did you have trouble finding us over in this part of the hospital?” he asks.

 

“No, no trouble at all” Cosima replies. Delphine can hear the quiet nervousness in her voice and glides her thumb over Cosima’s knuckles.

 

“Good good. Well, I guess its time for an introduction then. Ms. Cormier and Ms. Niehaus, this is Dr. Sadler, head Pulmonologist,” he says, gesturing to the other doctor in the room, “She’ll be helping along the process, which we have yet to discuss.”

 

“Please, call me Siobhan.” Dr. Sadler responds, leaning over the desk to shake both of their hands.

 

“I’m Delphine, bonjour” Delphine says, her hand meeting Siobhan’s.

 

“Cosima, hi.” says Cosima, as she does the same.

 

“We’ve gone over your results, and we have some things to discuss with you together today.” Dr. Bell says, beginning to open up a file folder on the desk. He pulls out two images, both black and white. He points to a light-tinted blur on the second image with his index finger.

 

“This is the image from Cosima’s first scan, compared to a scan from a healthy lung.” He points to the blur, tapping it. “Do you see this light-tone here? That’s not usual for a lung. Originally, we had thought it was a buildup of mucus, but Cosima wasn’t coughing anything up that could indicate anything of this size. So we ordered an MRI, and came up with different results.”

 

Dr. Bell pauses, crossing his own fingers together on the desk.

 

“We did some further blood tests, and our suspicions were confirmed. There’s no easy way to say this to both of you, so I’m just going to say it.” He turns to Cosima.

 

“It’s a form of Non-Mucinous Adenocarcinoma in situ of the lung. It’s cancerous, but thankfully it’s only semi-aggressive. That doesn’t mean it’s not fast-spreading or growing, though.”

 

Delphine makes a face before turning to Cosima, her expression mirroring Delphine’s. Cosima turns to the doctors, confusion etched in her features.

 

“It’s a type of small-cell lung cancer.” Dr. Bell clarifies, “Usually, there’s one solid tumour that’s found either in the middle tube between the lungs or just within the lung. In your case, it’s more of a thin film covering the tissue.”

 

Cosima and Delphine aren’t taken aback by the news, they’ve known that Cosima had cancer, this gives them an official diagnosis. Delphine avoids looking at the white blur on the images, her stomach twisting at the thought of it getting larger.

 

“Can it be treated?” asks Cosima, glancing at the images.

 

“That’s where Dr. Sadler comes in.” he says, gesturing for Dr. Sadler to continue.

 

“There are lots of options, but two of them seem to be the best fit for your case in particular.” Dr. Sadler bends down under the desk to reach for her own file folder, this one fuller than Dr. Bell’s.

 

“Our case?” asks Delphine.

 

“Yes, your case. Most cancers form in the shape of tumours, one singular mass that can be removed relatively easily. In your case, however, you see a scaly buildup almost like a spider web stretched out across the tissue.”

 

Dr. Sadler pulls out her documents and reads them over quickly, before setting them down and facing the couple.

 

“The way we see it, you have two options. Option A: You undergo a complete pneumonectomy to remove the entire  affected lung. This will be a long recovery process with less life expectancy, but you won’t have to go through any chemotherapy or radiation. Option B: You undergo some rounds of a mix of chemotherapy and radiation to try to shrink the cancer to a smaller size, before a lobectomy is performed, removing only a lobe of the affected lung. This might have to be followed by one or two more rounds of chemo and radiation to ensure all the cancerous cells have been eliminated. Obviously there’s more information that we can give you, both verbally and in this package we’ve prepared, but that’s the general idea.”  

 

Delphine sits in silence. A pneumonectomy? Lobectomy? Chemotherapy? Radiation? Life expectancy?

 

“What’s the timeline for both options?” Cosima asks.

 

“Considering we’re looking to only shrink the tumour, not eliminate it entirely, for Option B it would be from three to six months from start to finish, depending on frequency of CR therapy. Option A would be from one to two months for wait times and recovery time, not including the possibility of a lung transplant.” replies Dr. Sadler.

 

“CR?” Delphine adds.

 

“Chemo and Radiation therapy.”  
  
“Ah, okay thank you.” she says.

 

“Frequency?” Cosima asks.

 

“Yes, depending on the patient CR therapy is administered once every month, once every two weeks or sometimes even less than that. For your case, we would want to administer five to seven day-long sessions of chemotherapy capsules and one session of radiation every two weeks. So you’d have one week on, one week off of the pills with a radiation session at the end of the week on.”

 

“Which option has the least pain involved?” asks Delphine. Cosima turns to look at Delphine, a question lingering in her eyes.

 

“Option A offers the least pain, since theres no CR therapy.”

 

“Obviously, it’s a lot to take in and consider. You can take all the time you need to decide which option you two are choosing to go with, but sooner rather than later will help with getting Cosima’s treatment process going. Do either of you have any further questions? We’re here to answer any and all questions, so that you make the right decision for you.” Dr. Bell says while Dr. Sadler places all the documents back into the file folder.

 

Cosima looks at Delphine, squeezing her hand.

 

“Which option offers the longest life expectancy?” Cosima asks, not looking away from Delphine.

 

“Option B offers the longest life expectancy in the long run. Even with the possibility of a lung transplant after the initial pneumonectomy, the waiting list could take months or even years to reach anywhere near a successful match. However, Option A avoids all chemotherapy and radiation and the actual procedure is completed in a lot less time. Option B takes longer, seeing as you need to complete at least two or three rounds of CR therapy before you can even consider the surgery.”

 

“Which option do you recommend?” she asks.

 

Dr. Bell and Dr. Sadler exchange glances before Dr. Bell speaks up.  
  
“It’s entirely your decision, but based on Cosima’s condition and current state, we would recommend CR therapy and a lobectomy, Option B. Cosima’s tumour will continue to grow and could potentially spread to other organs or the bloodstream. Not only will CR therapy shrink the main tumour, it will eliminate any possible traces that begin travelling, before the entirety is removed.”

 

Cosima hums quietly as a response.

 

“The reality is that the faster we act, the faster you will be on the road to recovery.” Dr. Sadler adds quietly, pushing the file folder across the desk and towards the couple.

 

“Thank you, Doctors. We’ll discuss our options and get back to you as soon as we can.” Delphine says, grabbing the file folder and tucking it into her purse with a glance to Cosima, receiving a nod.

 

Cosima and Delphine continue to hold hands as they leave, neither speaking. Both of their eyes are trained on the ground in front of them, only looking up to look at the signs indicating how to get back to the parking lot.

 

They sit in the parked car, hands still joined and unspeaking. They both try to speak, but neither can get the words to leave their throats. They stare off out of the car windows. Cosima turns on the car, and then begin the silent, thoughtful drive home. Both wanting to say something, neither knowing the words.

 

* * *

 

 

“I want to do Option B.”  
  
Delphine mutes the TV, surprised by Cosima’s sudden statement. They had gotten home from the consultation and skirted around discussing the subject all day, right through dinner and the movie they had started.

 

“What? That’s the most painful option of the two.” Delphine replies.

 

“Yeah, but it has the longest life expectancy.”

 

“Cosim-”

 

“Del,” she interrupts, “I don’t care what hell I have to go through as long as I go through it with you, and get to spend as long as possible with you afterwards.”

 

Delphine turns to look at Cosima, the sad smile on her own face met with quiet determination on Cosima’s. Delphine knows this look; the set jaw, the slightly pulled eyebrows, the jutted chin. There is no changing Cosima’s mind now.

 

She leans against Cosima’s side, lacing her own fingers with Cosima’s. She brings their hands to her lips, kissing the back of Cosima’s hand.

 

“Are you sure?” Delphine asks.

 

“Yes, one hundred percent.” she replies.

 

“Then so am I. I’ll be there every step of the way.” Delphine says.

 

Cosima leans down to press their lips together. It’s warm and calm and everything that they need right now. Safety, familiarity and sureness in a sea of unknowns.

 

Delphine’s hand comes to cup Cosima’s cheek, foundation as strong as stone. Cosima exhales against her lips with a hum, wind against the windowsill that shakes window chimes. Cosima threads her free fingers through her loose curls, roots of an ever strengthening tree that grows in the garden of their love.

 

The kiss is home.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Si Tu N’étais Pas Là - Fréhel


	8. Happiness Will Follow

 

Time tends to pass quickly when you realize that it may be limited. Delphine and Cosima lay on their bed, Delphine wrapped protectively around Cosima. With every sleepy inhale from Cosima, Delphine strains her ears to see if she can hear the rattling that she remembers from so many nights ago. So far, each sleep laden breath has been clear and soft, no harsh sounds trailing in their wake. Delphine's heart flutters with hope against her rib cage.

Cosima didn't have any nausea, soreness or lack of appetite after her first round. If anything, her appetite had grown. She was smiling and laughing, enthusing about her classes and raving about Delphine's cooking like always. She continued to do yoga every day, elaborating her poses whenever Delphine was in the room and exploiting her hidden weakness for yoga shorts. It was almost like she was living normally, not taking cell-alerting medication with her toast and jam.

Tomorrow would be the first session of radiation therapy for Cosima, after one week of taking a small handful of pills a day. One green, two white and one yellow every morning. Cosima laughed and complained about the taste resembling chalk but there had been no qualms about her start of treatment the week before.

"I can hear you thinking." Cosima grumbles.

"Désolée. Bonne nuit." Delphine whispers, pushing her thoughts aside to fall asleep.

She dreams of trees with shallow roots in a windstorm, ripped from the earth like children's toys. She dreams of the flimsy homes flattened in seconds, knocked from their foundations like they weren't attached in the first place. She dreams of a hair thin crack in glass above her head, spreading and widening with every ounce of pressure applied. The glass begins to creak and groan under the weight, threatening to fail above Delphine's head. A loud shatter is heard before millions of sharp slivers of glass erupt and cascade towards Delphine at breakneck speeds. They streak her skin with red slashes that blossom into rivers and searing pain, she can't breathe and it hurts so much and she  _can't breathe it_   _hurts can't breathehurtscan'tbreathe_ -

Delphine jerks awake, sweat on her brow and her mouth dry and open. She pants against Cosima's skin, trying to be quiet.

She tries to remember her dream, straining for any details. Her dreams wash away like water down a drain, trickling through her fingers and leaving her with blurry wisps of disaster and weakness. Cosima lays still asleep in her arms, unaware that Delphine had stirred.

Delphine shuts her eyes and swallows, sinking back into a restless sleep, her dreams swirling just out of reach behind her eyelids.

* * *

Six days after Cosima's radiation debut and three days after Cosima's follow up physical, they sit in the used-to-be-yellow waiting room for a follow up appointment. Only Dr. Sadler awaits them in the small office today, perking Delphine's interest. They sit across from Dr. Sadler and her ever present file folder that she's now rifling through.

"Good afternoon, ladies. How're you feeling today, Cosima?"

"Absolutely fine, thanks. I don't feel any different than how I felt three weeks ago before round one." Cosima laughs easily.

Dr. Sadler furrows her brow slightly, enough for Cosima's smile to drop.

"That in and of itself is excellent, Cosima, but we do need to talk a bit."

Delphine holds her breath, anxious.

"Is everything alright? I mean, aside from the obvious." Cosima asks.

"Well, to put it gently, not exactly. For your type of buildup, slight shrinkage is expected to show after the first round of CR," Dr. Sadler pauses, "how have you been feeling at home, during your week?"

"I've been feeling good, yeah. A little tired, but that's really it. No soreness or anything like that. Appetite is great, I don't feel like puking or anything, so that's good also. No problems whatsoever."

Dr. Sadler purses her lips. Delphine's gut twitches.

"Yes well that's good, but the reason behind it isn't. There should have been minimal shrinkage after your first week, or at least stoppage of growth. That hasn't happened here. Your development has continued to grow throughout your first round."

Delphine's jaw tenses before she bites her lip.

"You mean it's not working." Delphine says flatly.

_That's why Cosima was fine, it wasn't working. She's been getting worse this whole time and I hadn't noticed_.

"Unfortunately, yes. It seems that Cosima hasn't taken to the medication. This doesn't mean disaster though. We can alter your medication plan to a more... aggressive roster. Unfortunately, that means you wouldn't have a break week before treatment started again. We would start again in one or two days, because of the speed of growth."

"More aggressive?" Cosima asks, pushing up her glasses.

"Increased doses, increased quantity and variety of medications in question. The radiation dates would stay the same, it would just be the medication which would be altered."

Cosima exhales before rubbing her hands together quickly.

"Alright, if that's what it takes, yeah Delphine?"

Delphine looks at Cosima, nodding solemnly with a false smile. Cosima doesn't seem to pick up on the facade and smiles back at her.

"Great. You can pick up your new prescriptions from the Pharmacy tomorrow or the day after, they'll tell you what to do with the older ones."

"Thanks, Dr. Sadler." Cosima says, shaking her hand across the desk.

"Merci." Delphine says, doing the same before taking Cosima's hand.

"How do you feel about this? This change with the drugs?" Delphine asks as they walk through the hallways of the hospital.

"Whatever it takes, right?" Cosima shrugs, giving a lopsided smile. Cosima's hand is warm and soft, not sweaty or clammy. Her eyes stay trained on Delphine's eyes, unwavering. Biologically, Cosima is the epitome of calm. Delphine wipes her free sweaty palm on her jeans.

_How can she be so calm about all this? Isn't she frightened?_

_"_ Right." Delphine responds, swallowing her nerves. If she's going to be as strong as Cosima needs her to be, she's going to have to try harder.

* * *

Delphine stands behind Cosima and rubs her shoulders gently, thumbs trailing up the sides of her neck. Cosima sits in a chair, counting out the necessary amount of pills for this morning. Once she Iays out the doses on the tabletop and closes all the bottles, they sit in silence.

"T'es d'accord?" Delphine squeezes her shoulders lightly.

"Mhm," Cosima hums, "it's just... more than I had expected."

Twenty five.

Fourteen at breakfast, four at lunch, seven before bed.

Six days straight.

Cosima swallows and brings one of her hands across her chest to grasp at Delphine's hand.

"Well... let's uh- get this show on the road," Cosima says, followed by a shaky exhale, "I'm sure it looks worse than it is."

Delphine kisses the top of Cosima's head and rubs her shoulders as silent encouragement. Cosima reaches for the small pile of seven blue pills before her hand hangs in the air.

"Do I just take all of them at once, or...? One-by-one...?"

"One-by-one, then maybe see if you can do more than one once you're used to them? I don't... really..."

"...Yeah..."

Cosima swallows again before scooping a single blue pill into her palm and downing it with a sip of water. She repeats the process until every blue pill is gone, seven more remaining on the table.

Cosima slowly works her way through them, three white, one green, one pink and two yellows, coughing hard after the final yellow pill. It's painful to watch. Delphine knows that those small unseeming pills possess the power to do. Watching as the small pile transfers from atop the table, where they can't harm anyone to-  _No,_ Delphine thinks,  _these pills will help make Cosima well again._

_They could make her sick._

_She might need to be sick to get well again._

_That doesn't make sense._

_Yes it does._

Delphine shakes her inner monologue to refocus on Cosima, grounding herself by pressing her fingertips into her shoulders.

"Those are the only ones that taste absolutely  _disgusting_." She says with a scowl, pointing to the offending orange bottle. Delphine adjusts so that her arms are fully around Cosima's shoulders from behind, as she leans down to nuzzle Cosima's neck.

"Mignonne," she says, "cute."

"You know it." Cosima says, leaning against Delphine's head.

"Cheeky."

Cosima turns her head to kiss Delphine's cheekbone. Cosima's lips linger on her skin, warm and soft. Delphine shuts her eyes and smiles. She rests contently in silence for a few moments before she feels Cosima's lips leave her skin. She re-opens her eyes to find Cosima's own trained on her, staring. Cosima has a soft smile on her lips, her eyes half lidded as she stares openly at Delphine. She can see Cosima's eyes trace her features: her nose, her lips, her eyes, her freckles. Delphine can feel her cheeks start to blush.

"Why're you staring at me?" she says nuzzling further against Cosima's shoulder embarrassed.

"You're so beautiful." Cosima says against Delphine's skin.

Delphine can feel her cheeks heat up further and her stomach flutter, as it does every time Cosima says anything like that. It still flutters when Cosima just touches her, or even says her name, let alone compliment her.

"You know it." she jests, parroting Cosima's own words.

Cosima laughs, making Delphine giggle. Cosima holds Delphine's arms in place as she tickles the sensitive skin of Delphine's neck and ears with her nose.

"Oh you  _do_ , do you!" Cosima teases.

"Co- Cosima!" Delphine squeaks between laughs, "this isn't fair!"

Delphine squirms and twists her torso, trying to evade the assault to no avail, her head turning in the midst. She kicks her feet, her knees bumping the back of the chair.

Delphine eventually worms her way free, backing up and starting to run away. Cosima quickly rises from her chair to chase her around the table, grinning toothily. Cosima is laughing as her dreads swing wildly with her movements, sun catching the tops and giving an orange glow to the edges. Delphine's feet pad quickly against the hardwood, running to the living room.

"I'm gonna get you!" Cosima laughs, chasing behind her.

"Cosima! We're going to be late to the movies! Now isn't the ti-time!"

"There's  _always_ time for tickles!"

Cosima traps her against the back of the couch, fingertips wiggling up and down her sides mercilessly. Delphine squirms wildly, her abdomen hurting from laughing so much. Delphine tries to bring her hands between their bodies, trying to push Cosima away half-heartedly. Cosima's face is brought closer to Delphine's as she tickles her back, her hands dancing from neck to tailbone.

Cosima kisses whatever skin she can find between giggles while Delphine squeals, her hands against Cosima's sternum. Cosima's lips eventually bump against Delphine's clumsily with a knock of teeth and a laugh from both of them. Cosima peppers her lips with quick kisses, a goofy smile on Delphine's face.

It's silly, light-hearted and clumsy, but it's pure love and hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love Me Tender - Elvis Presley


	9. Walls and Window Sills

Delphine monitors Cosima closely throughout the first week of the more aggressive treatment, making sure she’s feeling okay and eating properly.

 

On the fourth day of treatment, she starts to let out the breath she’s been holding since their appointment with Dr. Sadler the week before. Delphine’s lip is released from days of worrying it between her teeth, the crease between her eyebrows clearing as concern is wiped from her features. It seems that Cosima has only been affected minimally, more tired than usual and harder to get out of bed. If Delphine hadn’t known better, it would just seem that Cosima had a trainwreck of a sleep schedule.

 

On the sixth day of treatment, the day before Cosima’s radiation appointment, she regrets rejoicing so soon. Cosima’s portions have lessened in size, often with a I had a snack earlier or Giant lunch with Scott at work, sorry. Delphine knows that Cosima simply isn’t as hungry as she used to be, but she knows she won’t admit that, so she let’s it slide.

 

Cosima eats slowly, often putting her utensil down and holding her fingertips against her mouth and swallowing. Cosima stops her actions, lessening her pressure on her lips for a few moments and closing her eyes. She takes steadying breaths between the spaces of her fingers.

 

“You okay? Do you need some water?” Delphine says as she starts to get up from her seat.

 

Cosima waves her free hand at Delphine and shakes her head, gesturing for her to sit back down. Delphine sits slowly, eyeing Cosima. Cosima removes her fingers, toying with her fork and looking at her plate.

 

“Just a bit nauseated, I’m fine.” Cosima says, picking at her food.

 

Delphine offers her a tight smile, trying to not look at Cosima’s barely-touched plate. Delphine quickly finishes her own food before standing and starting to clean up. Out of the corner of her eye she sees Cosima start to get up before pressing her hand to her mouth again. Delphine turns to face Cosima as she hastily pulls her hand from her face, trying to hide her nausea.

 

“Do you want to lay down?” Delphine says. “I can clean up on my own.”

 

“No it’s okay, I can he-” Cosima is cut off by a wave of nausea, doubling over in her seat and clasping both hands to cover her mouth. Delphine is frozen on the spot, unsure of what to do. She moves towards Cosima before Cosima abruptly bolts from her seat and runs to the bathroom, choking noises caught in her throat. The door slams shut and Cosima’s heaving is audible through the wooden barrier. Delphine hastily cleans, occupying her time and giving Cosima her privacy. Once Delphine can’t hear any more choking, she knocks on the door.

 

Cosima inches the door open, her frame sagging and tired.

 

“I didn’t actually throw up or anything, just... just dry heaving.” She comments with a laugh and a sniff.

 

Delphine pouts and hugs her gently, rubbing her lower back.  
  
“Go lay down and find us something to watch? We can have a lazy night on the couch, how does that sound?”

 

Cosima smiles up at her, appreciative.

 

“Perfect.”

 

Cosima walks to the living room, her fingertips brushing the wall as she goes. The pads of her fingers stay gliding across the surface until Cosima stumbles slightly, fingers lifting and trembling before reattaching shakily. Her fingers ghost the wall for a few seconds before she drops her hand, breaking their path as Cosima rounds the corner and her fingers vanish. They were there, and then they were gone after a single moment of weakness.

 

_Fleeting_ , Delphine’s mind croons in her ear.

 

Delphine shakes the thought from her head as she cleans the kitchen, scrubbing harder and faster. She finishes cleaning and putting everything away, wiping the countertop. She considers grabbing some snacks for the movie but decides against it, it feels like it will taunt Cosima’s nausea.

 

As Delphine walks into the room, Cosima sits on the couch and digs her fingers into her own lower back. She looks like she’s in pain, biting her own lip and wincing with every press. Delphine sits next to Cosima and snakes her own hands underneath Cosima’s palms.

 

“Sore?” Delphine asks. Cosima hums in response, letting Delphine take control.

 

“Let me help.” Delphine says, moving her hands against Cosima’s back.

 

Cosima slackens at Delphine’s touch, tension melting. Delphine rubs small circles, pressing with her thumbs. Her wrist begins to burn at the awkward angle of her hands pressed between Cosima and the couch cushions. Delphine stops her movements and Cosima pouts at her. Delphine moves her thighs and pats the seat between them, inviting Cosima to sit. Cosima gleefully bounces to her new spot, eager.

 

“Where does it hurt?” Delphine asks, resuming her actions.

 

“My whole back, like even the sides.” Cosima admits.

 

Delphine moves her hands back under Cosima’s shirt, towards her shoulder blades and rubs. She digs the heels of her palms into the muscles adjacent to Cosima’s spine. With every up-movement, her wrists get caught on her shirts hem and snag on Cosima’s bra. After a few more strokes, she gets fed up.

 

“Can you take your top off?” she huffs.

 

“Trying to get into my pants?” Cosima teases, already pulling off the offending garment. She traces the edge of Cosima’s bra clasp, feeling the delicate lace trim. She starts to massage her back again, pressing with her fingertips and tracing long trails on her spine. Her path is always interrupted by the flimsy fabric of Cosima’s bra, interfering with the gentle curves and valleys of Cosima.

 

Delphine hooks her index finger under the clasp, pulling slightly as she grins. She unhooks the clasp

 

“Are you _sure_ you don’t have an ulterior motive, here?” Cosima laughs as it falls into her lap.

 

“Shut up.” Delphine swats her arm with a smile.

 

Delphine immediately places her palms against the impression marks that the bra had left on Cosima’s skin. Delphine begins to knead at Cosima’s sore body, thumbs and fingers pressing hard into tight muscles. She starts with Cosima’s lower back, feeling the warmth of Cosima against her fingertips. Cosima hums as Delphine’s fingers find a particularly sore spot.

 

“How are you so good at this?” Cosima groans.

 

“I just know all the muscles from school, I guess.” Delphine shrugs.

 

“Thoracolumbar fascia” She says, digging into the two strong muscles on either side of Cosima’s lower spine.

 

“Latissimus dorsi” Her fingers splay against the back of Cosima’s rib cage, heels pressed against the bones.

 

“Rhomboid major and minor” Her hands move upwards to feel the muscles shifting between Cosima’s shoulder blades.

 

“Infraspinatus” She whispers, fingers dancing in the slight valley between shoulder blades and upper arm. Cosima sighs, and Delphine can feel the supple muscles stretch and relax under her warm skin.

 

“Deltoid!” Cosima bursts out proudly as Delphine’s hands glide to her shoulder tips and upper arms. Delphine chuckles, leaning her forehead on Cosima’s back.

 

“Oui, deltoid is correct.” Delphine beams as she pats toned arms, rubbing up and down.

 

“Do you know what this one is?” She says with her hands against the muscles between her deltoids and her neck.

 

“Oh, oh! I know this! Tra-trap... trapezoid? No, that’s not it.”

 

“Close! Trapezius.” Delphine says, kneading.

 

“Oh, c’mon! I was so close!” Cosima says, turning her torso to look at Delphine with a grin.

 

“But not close enough!” she teases, tickling Cosima’s neck. She kisses the base of her neck before resuming her actions.

 

“Splenius capitis.” Delphine whispers against Cosima’s back as she pushes her thumbs against the columns of her neck.

 

Cosima continues giggling as Delphine resumes tracing warm patterns against her aching body, kneading the pain away and naming all the muscles she touches with Cosima’s assistance.

 

Eventually, Delphine gets distracted and starts tracing nonsensical patterns with her fingertips, leaving goosebumps in their wake.

 

She transforms Cosima’s skin into a canvas, tracing a flower with petals stretching from the tips of her shoulders to the center of her spine. With languid strokes, she paints a mountainscape with her shoulder blades as the highest peaks. Cosima’s skin becomes a river, ebbing and flowing with movement as Delphine ghosts her spread fingertips from shoulder to waist.

 

She imagines Cosima’s skin as the cosmos, constellations mapped out with her freckles and stardust trailing after her fingers. She presses a single fingertip into her tan skin, imagining the split second of light tone when pressure is removed as a sun, planets orbiting it with their own moons. She swirls her fingers in circles and ovals, galaxies flaring to life beneath her touch and spinning slowly into the expanse of her ribs.

 

Delphine writes a love letter to Cosima, looping her letters and dotting her i’s with hearts. She writes of her favourite memories with Cosima, her favourite kisses. She writes of love and hope and worry, worry about the future and what looms ahead. She writes of her worst fears, how she thought they had come true when she saw Cosima on the floor all those weeks ago. She writes the things she doesn’t yet have the courage to say, hoping Cosima will absorb the meaning from her touch alone.

 

Delphine splays her fingers against Cosima’s ribcage, her fingertips nearing the underside of her breasts. Cosima’s ribcage expands and contracts as she breathes, the swell of a great sea trapped in her lungs. Fantastic creatures in the depths, breaching the surface and scattering flecks of water. The constant ebb and flow of the tide, always constant and predictable. Sunsets and sunrises mirrored by calm waters, reds, pinks and oranges lighting the sky.

 

She presses her palms flat against Cosima’s shoulder blades and moves them outwards towards her arms, imagining breathtaking wings. Strong, leathery wings that beat the air and have the potential to soar and glide to phenomenal heights. Beautiful butterfly wings made of stained glass, the sun illuminating them to create a myriad of colours wherever she may go. Delicate feathered wings made of dulcet colours, extending to reveal thousands upon thousands of feathers. Delphine dreams of any and all wings that could carry Cosima away from her pain, to safety and health.

 

Delphine is hit with a sudden wave of nerves, moving her hands to wrap around Cosima’s waist and pull her tight. She's struck with thoughts of Cosima's flowers withering, her river drying to nothing. She can't bear the thought of Cosima's suns collapsing and imploding, replacing the brilliant sun with a black hole. She can't imagine Cosima never knowing the things she needs to say but can't, not quite yet. She can't think of the sea rising violently, waves crashing hard against rocks and swallowing all living things . She can't imagine Cosima's wings faltering against harsh winds, crashing to the ground with a sickening crunch.

 

She can't imagine losing the woman she loves.

 

She burrows her nose into the warmth of Cosima’s back, cheek flush against her as she inhales her scent of vanilla and cinnamon. A lump starts to form in her throat and she fights against the tears pricking her eyes. She tries to drown her fears in the warmth, the laughter, the love. She wants to take Cosima away from all this, just pack up their things and leave in the dead of night. But she couldn't do that, she can’t compromise Cosima’s health for happiness.

 

“Whoa, hey.” Cosima says with concern, bringing her hands to rest on Delphine’s forearms.

 

“Can you... can you hold me?” Delphine is so quiet that Cosima almost doesn’t hear her.

 

Cosima furrows her brow, confused.

 

“Of course I can.” Cosima gently pries Delphine’s arms from her bare torso before scooting to

sit propped against the couch cushion and opening her arms. Delphine moves to sit, her head cradled by Cosima’s neck and shoulder. Cosima immediately wraps her arms around Delphine, bringing one hand to run through her curls.

 

Delphine tucks her legs up and pulls her arms together, minimizing the amount of space she takes up. Cosima shifts to hold her snugly.

 

“You okay?” Cosima asks gently, pressing a kiss to Delphine’s forehead. Cosima holds Delphine in her arms, tapping a silent beat again her skin. Delphine nods slightly against her skin.

 

"You'll be okay." Cosima says.

 

_That's not what I'm worried about._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To Build A Home - The Cinematic Orchestra


	10. All Your Dreams Are Waking Up

Their Valentines day is quiet and sweet, lazy and simple. Cosima is on her off-week between her first and second rounds. Cosima tries really hard to eat the homemade crepes that Delphine makes for brunch without showing signs that her stomach is threatening to empty itself. Delphine is careful to make Cosima's crepes smaller than her own, less fruit decorating the insides and a smaller plate. Cosima pretends she doesn't notice.

They venture again to their bench atop the hill, holding hands through thick mittens and pulling scarves down to kiss between puffs of steamy breath. Eventually, they decide it's simply too cold, and go back to the warmth of their home. Cosima is still shivering after being inside for twenty minutes but brushes it off, blaming it on her 'San Fran blood'.

Delphine is fiddling with her phone as she scrolls through her library, looking for a certain playlist she made a few days ago when she hears a clunk and a ' _shit_ ' from the kitchen.

"Chérie?"

"It's okay! Keep doing your thing, it's fine!"

Delphine chuckles to herself before finding the playlist and selecting it, the music hooked up to the speakers. Delphine glances over her shoulder as she hears glass clinking with Cosima's arrival. She holds a bottle of champagne, two glasses and a box of chocolates in her arms, a sheepish look on her face.

"Okay, so I know we said no gifts but this doesn't count as a gift because like, it's chocolate and I always buy us chocol-"

She's cut off by Delphine's lips on hers, effectively silencing her.

"Merci, Cosma." Delphine murmurs, her lips brushing Cosima's with a smile.

Cosima grins and kisses her again before pulling away, setting the open bottle and glasses down on the end table. She pours two glasses, handing one to Delphine before sitting on the couch. Delphine sits with her legs pressed against Cosima's, feet tucked under her own thighs. Cosima clinks her glass with Delphine's, a lopsided smile on her face.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Del."

"Happy Valentine's Day, mon ange."

They both drink the champagne simultaneously. Delphine loves the way the bubbles wash over her tongue and down her throat, reminding her of France. They sip at their drinks, chatting on and off between kisses and bites of chocolate.

Cosima's eyes go wide with excitement as a song starts with quick piano notes. She stands up and sets her empty glass on the table before turning and curtsying in front of Delphine.

"What are you doing?" Delphine asks with a giggle.

Cosima extends her hand to Delphine.

"Asking you to dance, obviously."

Delphine shakes her head with a smile, setting her own glass down before taking Cosima's hand and standing up. Cosima rests her hand against Delphine's hip, Delphine's hand resting on Cosima's shoulder.

" _L is for the way you look at me..._ " Cosima sings along, smiling up a Delphine.

They sway to the music, slowly stepping circles in the center of the room. As the music speeds up Cosima leans more from side to side, adding a playful feel to their dance. She bounces from foot to foot, leading Delphine around the room. Delphine laughs as she tries to keep up with her pace.

" _Two in love can make it..._ "

Cosima suddenly let's go of Delphine's hip, twirling her around before pulling her back. Delphine underestimates her speed and bumps into Cosima, causing a bark of laughter. They hop around to the music, grinning like fools. Cosima tries a spin again, and this time Delphine rocks the ending, ending up with her back pressed against Cosima's front. Cosima's arms are wrapped around Delphine's waist. Cosima leans their torsos side to side, still bouncing slightly to the peppy tune.

" _Love was made for me and you..._ "

Delphine's eyes slide shut, losing herself in the moment. The warmth of Cosima against her back, bare toes weaved in the shag carpet, the lingering smell of crepes and the taste of Cosima and champagne on her tongue. She's in utter bliss, her smile refusing to leave her face.

" _Love is all that I can give to you..._ "

Delphine turns in Cosima's arms, cupping her cheeks. She kisses her forehead, her nose, her cheekbone. She peppers Cosima's face in delicate kisses before kissing her lips. Cosima leans up on her tip-toes, moving her arms to rest on Delphine's shoulders.

Cosima swipes her tongue, to which Delphine responds eagerly. Delphine moves her hands to grab at the neckline of Cosima's dress, kissing harder. Cosima tastes of champagne and chai tea and love, a taste Delphine will never get enough of. Delphine nips at Cosima's lip, wanting more. Delphine moves her hands to settle against Cosima's toned abdomen, not-so-subtly pushing her towards the bedroom. She has a long night planned for the two of them and is eager to start.

Cosima chuckles against her mouth, Delphine kissing her smile. She steps away from Delphine, whose bottom lip emerges in a pout.

"You have another present." Cosima says playfully.

_Can't it wait?_

"What? Where?" Delphine asks, hoping to get it opened quickly so they can get back to kissing.

Cosima smirks as she unzips her own dress, slipping the straps down her shoulders and pooling at her feet.

_Oh._

Cosima stands with her hip cocked, wearing a lacy set of black lingerie. Well, a sheer lace black bra and impossibly small panties, both leaving little to Delphine's imagination.

Delphine stands rooted to her spot, her eyes failing to focus on one spot on Cosima's toned body.

"Like it?" Cosima says, posing.

Delphine surges forward, kissing with bruising force and hands roaming freely. Cosima kisses back before linking their hands and turning around.

"C'mon, we haven't got all night." She teases with a wink, leading Delphine to the bedroom. Delphine trails eagerly behind her.

_I'm going to open this present for as long as humanly possible._

* * *

Delphine lays awake in the early morning light, sheets still warm with sleep. She can't sleep very well recently, staring at the back of Cosima's head and jerking awake as soon as she falls asleep. She hasn't slept well since after Valentines Day over a week ago.

She tries to ignore the chill in her gut as retching sounds come from the bathroom, a not uncommon sound as of late. Cosima is halfway through her second round of aggressive medication, and it's started to affect her fully. Cosima spends the majority of her time sitting down when she's not at work. Delphine resumes her ugly habit of biting at her nails, the familiar scrape of nail against enamel easing her mind temporarily. Cosima always tries to jump to her feet to kiss Delphine when she comes home, but more than once Delphine has woken a sleeping Cosima up with a kiss to her forehead. She sees Cosima leaning on furniture tiredly, but Delphine pretends to not notice. Instead, she ensnares her lip between her teeth and grinds uneasily at the flesh. Cosima's nausea has evolved into vomiting, and her body sags with tiredness and aches for a good portion of her day.

She never fails to smile for Delphine, though. She never complains of her joints that hurt to move or her constantly churning stomach, her body begging to rest and her heavy eyelids. Instead she smiles and laughs through her pain.

She turns her head to look at the clock. 06:47 the green numbers glow in the darkness of the room. _I have to get going in thirteen minutes anyways._ She props herself up on her elbows, rubbing her calves together beneath the sheets _. I hope the clinic isn't too busy today, maybe I can have lunch with Alison without interruption. Does Cosima have work today? I hope she has a day off, she's so tired recently. Should I wear my hair up tod-_

A loud thud followed by a sharp wail and a long moan from behind the door has her kicking the sheets aside and stumbling to the bathroom hurriedly. Her chest feels cold, her mind flashing back to the first time she heard that sound all those weeks ago.

Delphine flings the door open to find Cosima leaning against the bathtub, her arm hooked around the ledge and her lower half on the floor. Vomit is soaking her front and smeared down one side of her face. Her face is scrunched up in pain, her fingers gripping the tub tightly. Delphine rushes to her side, sitting on her haunches. The sharp smell invades her nose and her hands hover over Cosima, unsure of how to help without hurting her further.

"What happened? Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine just-"

Cosima tries to pull herself up but winces and yelps at the sudden pain, falling with a dull thud against the floor. Her fist clenches and her grip on the tub falters, falling fully onto the floor. Delphine's heart tugs painfully at the sight, but she knows she needs to get Cosima up, at least sitting.

"I'm sorry if this hurts." Delphine says quickly, grabbing Cosima's underarms and hoisting her up to slouch against the tub. Cosima cries out when her spine comes in rough contact with the hard surface, but quickly clenches her teeth to silence any further noises that could indicate the true caliber of her pain.

"What can I do, Cosima?" Delphine asks, her hands resting under Cosima's arms.

Cosima pants, every expansion of her ribs sending a stab of pain to her side.

"Just uh... just help me... stand up." She exhales.

Delphine nods, preparing herself for the task. She adjusts to stand with her feet on either side of Cosima's knees, her hands gripping Cosima's underarms.

"Ready?" Delphine asks, looking into Cosima's eyes.

Cosima inhales deeply before biting her lip hard and closes her eyes, nodding. Cosima places her hands on Delphine's arms, bracing herself. Delphine musters her courage and pulls Cosima up in one swift movement.

Delphine will never shake the sound that Cosima emits.

Cosima's lip is red when her jaw wrenches wide as a loud strangled cry rips out of her throat, her head surging back and neck muscles tightening. Cosima's knees buckle under her, fingernails digging sharp half-moons into Delphine's shoulders.

Delphine clambours to support her weight, reaching her arms around Cosima's back. Cosima leans her weight against Delphine's front, breathing heavily once stable on her feet. Cosima's reeking vomit soaks into Delphine's shirt.

Cosima breathes against Delphine's shoulder, arms trembling as she clings to Delphine.

"I uh... I need... to clean up." Cosima says between breaths, lessening her grip on Delphine. Cosima lets go of Delphine's shoulders, only to reattach seconds later. Her fingertips press hard into Delphine, her grip tight.

"Let me help you?" Delphine asks.

"No, no I can do it-" Cosima's knees give out, colliding against Delphine's front again. Her forehead shines with sweat.

_This is exhausting her._

"Cosima, you can barely stand up."

Cosima shakes her head, trying to free herself. She stands unassisted momentarily before her jaw tightens and she swears under her breath, bracing herself against Delphine's forearms.

"Let me help you, okay?" Delphine tries again.

_Please._

Cosima exhales, staring at the floor as she wobbles. After a few moments of silence, she nods slowly. Delphine guides Cosima to sit on the edge of the tub before gently pulling her ruined shirt up and over Cosima's head. Delphine's heart jumps to her throat at the sight of previously hidden deep purple bruise colouring her side.

"Cosima!"

"It's nothing! It's nothing, don't worry."

"How old is this?" Delphine's professional brain whirrs alive, inspecting the colours and apparent pain level.

Cosima avoids Delphine's eyes as she mumbles "a few days"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Delphine asks sadly.

"I just, I dunno... I didn't want to worry you."

"We're in this together, chérie," Delphine ghosts her index finger under Cosima's chin, looking into her eyes,"I want to know when you're hurting. Inside or out."

Cosima nods, her head falling to one side. Delphine helps her out of her pants, revealing bruising on her knee. She presses featherlight kisses to the bruises, careful to not apply too much pressure. Cosima smiles down at Delphine as she kisses. Delphine quickly strips out of her own clothing before turning on the shower, not too hot, to prevent Cosima's bruises from worsening. She helps Cosima under the spray, cleaning with a soft lather and even softer hands. Cosima leans on her forearm against the shower wall, shoulder muscles twitching.

She finds further bruises at various stages of healing peppering Cosima's back and winces before kissing the water droplets off of them. As she steps aside to fill her palm with soap, she notices small differences in Cosima's body that she hadn't seen while she was clothed. The notches of her spine aren't glaring, but are definitely more visible than before, the slope from shoulder to neck more horizontal. Cosima begins to turn and face her, but Delphine quickly resumes her actions.

 _Cosima is losing weight_ , Delphine swallows,  _and it's starting to show._

"I'm sorry," Cosima says once they're out and dry, "I just... I just don't like it, you know? I don't like being weak. Or being seen as weak, I guess." Cosima sits atop the dryer as Delphine puts their stained clothing in the washing machine. Cosima plays with her rings, flicking them absently as she speaks. The band that used to fit snug on her skin twirls easily around her finger.

"I know, that's okay. Just let me help you when you need it, okay? Asking for help when you need it is strong, not weak." Delphine walks to Cosima, cupping her jaw and standing between her legs.

"Okay, I will. Thank you for helping." Cosima covers Delphine's hands with her own small hands.

"Whatever you need, I'm here. Just tell me when you're hurting next time, inside or out, okay?" Delphine presses her forehead to Cosima's.

Cosima threads her fingers with Delphine's, exhaling as her eyes slide shut contently. Delphine can feel more space between their interlocked fingers than usual, less skin touching. Cosima nods against Delphine's forehead.

"I just need you." Cosima sighs.

Delphine smiles sadly.

"Me too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honey And The Moon - Joseph Arthur  
> (L.O.V.E. - Frank Sinatra)


	11. Tonight, And Always

Delphine walks quickly to the school's office, standing out from the crowd in her doctors attire. She turns her head back and forth quickly, eyes darting for signs indicating her destination. Her lip snags on her teeth, and she gnaws on the swollen flesh. She recognizes a man in a plaid polo and thin wire glasses crossing her path and speeds up to meet him, her boots clicking against the tile floor. Her path is interrupted by a number of students hurrying to their class, no interest in the doctor in their way.

 

"Scott? Hey, Scott!" she calls as he walks away, her arm extended to reach for

him. He turns at the sound, looking between students. He walks to her once the crowds have thinned and stands with his hands on his hips.

 

"Oh, hey Delphine. You look a little lost, you do know where Cosima's class is right? You've certainly visited her enough to know where you're going!" Scott chuckles before his eyes narrow with a question. Delphine open and shuts her mouth, unsure of what to say.

 

"What are y-" his face slides into realization, clasping his hand to his forehead.

 

"You're looking for the nurses office?" He asks, turning and gesturing down the hall.

 

Delphine nods, raising her arm to point along with Scott.

 

"Is it down there?" She says, already starting to walk.

 

"Yeah, it takes a few turns though. I'll show you, c'mon."

 

"Thanks, Scott."

 

Delphine chews at her sore lip, the past twenty minutes repeating in her mind as she takes long strides behind Scott.

 

_"Dr. Cormier, it's for you."_

_"Alison, how many times do I have to tell you to call me Delphine?" Delphine laughs through a mouth full of her lunch, "Who is it?"._

_"It's the school."_

_"The schoo- Cosima's school?" Delphine reaches for the phone in Alison's hand and holds it to her ear._

_"Hello?" She hastily swallows her food._

_"Hello, is this Ms. Cormier?"_

_"Yes, has something happened?"_

_"The nurse is checking that out now, we're just calling to inform yo-"_

_"The nurse? Is everything alright?"_

_"We think so, she didn-"_

_"She? Do you mean Cosi-Ms. Niehaus?"_

_"Yes, that's who I'm calling abou-"_

_"What happened?" Delphine cuts her off. There's silence on the line before the principal speaks again after a frustrated exhale._

_"She collapsed."_

 

"Pretty wicked cold she's got, eh?" Scott comments as they pass the gymnasium.

 

"What? Cold?"

 

"Well, yeah. I mean, that's why she's been basically teaching from her chair, isn't it? She's not been doing interactive stuff at all, just textbook learning. She seems tired, like really tired. I hope she gets well soon."

 

"Yeah, me too." Delphine plays along, confused.

 

"Here we are. I'd love to stay but I uh- I have a class to teach that started ten minutes ago. Let me know how she is, yeah?" Scott says, already backing down the way they had come.

 

"Thank you Scott!" Delphine calls down the hallway with a wave before turning to knock on the closed door. She enters the small room at the sound of 'come in' through the door.

 

The salmon walls adorned with motivational posters remind her of a preschool, not a high school. Cosima sits on a generic blue padded exam table, wax paper crinkling underneath her with every movement. Cosima holds an ice pack to her elbow, the nurse fiddling with a bandaid on her hand.

 

"Hello?" Delphine hovers in the doorway.

 

The nurse turns around to smile at Delphine. Cosima smiles up at Delphine, waving her ice pack at her before returning it to her arm.

 

"Hello, you can come on in. I'll be done in a second."

 

Delphine enters the room to stand next to the table Cosima sits on, holding her hand. Cosima's chest rises and falls heavily, like she's trying to steady her breath. As the nurse applies rubbing alcohol, Delphine stares absently at their hands.

 

Cosima's hands seem smaller somehow. Her knuckles and joints stand out more, her hand less supple against Delphine's palm. Her rings hang off of thin fingers, tendons gliding beneath her skin.

 

Cosima squeezes her hand, making Delphine remember where she is.

 

"What happened?" Delphine asks.

 

"Oh, nothing really. I just stumbled a little, you know me." Cosima chuckles.

 

"Oh, hardly,"-The nurse says, making a face at Cosima before turning to Delphine."-she fainted."

 

Delphine turns to Cosima.

 

"You fainted?"

 

"Maybe a little." Cosima says sheepishly.

 

"Are you alright?"

 

"I'm fine, really. I just got up too fast I think."

 

Delphine side-eyes Cosima while the nurse finishes up, letting her know they're not done talking.

 

"Alright! You're set to go. Go home and get some rest, get over that nasty cold you've got!" The nurse jokes as she turns around to clean up.

 

Delphine makes a face at Cosima, A cold? Again?

 

Cosima avoids her gaze all the way back to Cosima's now empty classroom. As the hallways become less crowded, Cosima leans more on Delphine. Another staff member waves at them and Cosima removes herself from Delphine's arm entirely, ankles wobbling and jaw tensing as she keeps her facade of calm. Once the teacher has passed however, Cosima's fingers dig into her arm and her steps slow considerably. Cosima pulls on Delphine's arm, asking silently for a break. They stand in the deserted hallway, Cosima's shallow breaths echoing against the walls. Delphine resists the temptation to bring her nails to her teeth.

 

"A cold?" Delphine asks as they step into Cosima's class.

 

Cosima sinks into her swivel chair, nodding.

 

"Didn't you tell the staff?"

 

Cosima exhales tiredly before shaking her head.

 

"I haven't really gotten around to it. Kids started asking if I was okay, so I just said I had a cold and I guess word travels fast. I mean, I haven't even told Scott the truth yet, so..."

 

"Are you mad?" Cosima asks, biting her lip.

 

"Non, I'm not mad, just... confused?"

 

Cosima starts packing up her things. Every item she picks up seems to weigh a hundred pounds, the speed she's going. The muscles in her arms strain to move everything on her desk. She can hear Cosima swallowing between her breaths.

 

"Cosima..." Delphine starts hesitantly. Cosima doesn't look up from what she's doing.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Do you... have you considered taking time off? From work?"

 

Cosima's hands still, hovering over the last few bits and pieces. Silence hangs between them.

 

"Why would I take time off work?" She says, packing up the last of her things and looking at Delphine. She heaves her bag up onto her shoulder with a wince. The heavy bag digs into her shoulder, pinching her sore skin.

 

Delphine tilts her head, lips tight as she looks at her sadly.

 

You know why.

 

"Yeah. Yeah, I've thought about it but I just- I like working. I love the kids, I love the staff. Well, most of the staff. I don't want to miss it." Cosima's shoulders sag as she huffs.

 

Delphine steps to her and holds her hands in her own.

 

"You fainted today, Cosima. Scott and the kids have noticed you're not well," she says gently, "I know you don't want to miss it but your health comes first."

 

Cosima exhales, defeated.

 

"Yeah, I guess." She says, eyes downcast.

 

"It..." Cosima inhales shakily, "It just feels like this... this makes it real, y'know?".

 

Delphine pulls her into a hug. Cosima's fingers rest against the skin under Delphine's shoulder blades, her face pressed into her neck.

 

"It feels like giving up."  The words sound strained as they pass through Cosima's lips.

 

Delphine's throat tightens, her chest sinking. She wants to squeeze Cosima in her arms, pick her up and hold her for hours. But she can't, Cosima is bruised and aching, her tight embrace would only increase her pain.

 

She settles for holding the back of her head, fingertips lightly scraping the skin between the rows of her hair.

 

"You're not giving up," Delphine whispers before she chuckles, "and besides, that's not like you,"-Delphine leans back to look into Cosima’s eyes with a smile-"You wouldn't do something like that." Delphine tries to lighten the room. Cosima laughs, pulling away and sniffing.

 

"Yeah, you're right," Cosima chuckles, "I don't ever give up."

 

Delphine slides Cosima's bag off Cosima's shoulder and onto her own, smiling at her. Cosima moves her shoulder to relieve the pain as she  smiles back, appreciative.

 

"Thanks." Cosima kisses her cheek.

 

Delphine smiles wide, her eyes crinkling.

 

\--

 

Cosima fills out the necessary paperwork that night and due to her 'unique nature', is pushed quickly into her time off. She has three days of teaching before her break starts. According to the school board, she's taking a personal leave of absence, as to keep her true state of health from the students.

 

On the first day, she goes to work with a false smile and returns with a genuine frown. She groans as she sinks into the couch, tender muscles begging for softness and aching joints meeting their first rest in hours.

 

On the second day, Cosima comes home and goes immediately to the bed, exhausted. She ends up sleeping through dinner, only opening her eyes when she trembles herself awake in a cold sweat. Her skin glistens as her tongue probes a thermometer in her mouth, clammy hand resting on Delphine’s.

 

On the last day, Cosima comes home drained, her eyes red and blotchy and her pale lip quivering. She holds a Tupperware container, threatening to fall to the floor as her shoulders droop and her fingertips barely cling to it. The container is cast aside in a burst of anger, cake  breaking to pieces against the floor before Cosima sobs into her hands.

 

Delphine is told between sobs and shaky breaths that the kids had gotten her a cake and decorated her room with balloons and poorly-administered streamers as a going away party.

 

Get Well Soon! was streaked in paint on a banner hung above her desk, all her students signatures on it. Everyone was smiling and laughing, wishing her well and pointing to their signature on her banner. Some had even written small notes of hope and encouragement, We Love You! and You Can Do It! Cosima's eyes had lit up sadly as she recalled the afternoon.

 

The cake was brought out, her favourite: rich chocolate. We Will Miss You, Ms. Niehaus! adorned the top of the cake in green, loopy icing.

 

Cosima had taken one delicious bite, one tiny ounce of cake before her stomach churned and emptied itself.

 

She had gotten to a trash bin before it could splatter down her front or onto her plate, but it had been a shock to many in the class. Scott had grabbed her by the shoulders and it had burned her bruises, setting her skin on fire.

  


Delphine can see finger shaped bruises starting to develop beneath Cosima's sleeves as she lays against her legs. Delphine's brows knit together and she winces at the angry red marks.

 

Cosima recalls that she told Scott the whole story,  that he sat in silence for too long. In a hollow voice, he asked all the questions she had answers for, and the one she didn't.

 

_Do you know how long you have?_

 

Delphine recieves no more information out of the woman curled on the couch, head in her lap as she cries against her thigh.

 

Delphine presses her lips together as tears prick her eyes, her bottom lip raw and tender from excessive gnawing. Every sob from Cosima reveals her bones stretching at skin, harsh points attempting to claw their way out from their prison. Her dreads leave traces of hair on pillows and in the shower. A blur of purple, blue, red and yellow splotches colour more and more of Cosima’s body each day, slithering out from underneath her clothes to bloom on the expanse of her skin.

 

Delphine watches helplessly as Cosima’s body destroy itself from the inside out.

 

* * *

 

Anticipation hovers over Delphine’s head and fills her ears with buzzing, fingers itching for a cigarette. Dr. Sadler had stated that after the fourth round, a preliminary scan would be done to see the progress that Cosima had made in the last one and a half months of extremely aggressive treatment. If Cosima had made considerable progress, there would be the potential for a consultation to book her surgery. If not, Cosima would endure more treatment until the mass shrunk to a satisfactory size. Cosima’s preliminary scan had been completed, now all they needed to do was wait for the verdict.

 

Delphine bites her nail absently as she tries to read, glancing over at the couch every few lines before losing her place. She sits on the armchair as Cosima sleeps soundly for the first time in days under a blanket on the couch, chest rising and falling evenly. All that's visible of her is her face, the blanket dwarfing her body.

 

Shortly after she stopped working, Cosima had admitted tingling and numbness in her hands and been prescribed a daily anti-nausea medication and strong painkillers, should she need them. After days of denying she needed them, she had persuaded Cosima to take her doses when she was sore. Cosima no longer felt intense pain, but the meds wiped her right out.

 

Under the blanket there are multiple heating pads, keeping Cosima in a warm cocoon that eventually soothed her aching body enough to allow prolonged deep sleep.

 

With her bruises and small body covered by blankets, thinning hair tucked beneath her head and calm breathing, Cosima seems unaffected by her treatment. The thick blanket allows Delphine to imagine how she was months ago, how her body felt against Delphine's under that blanket. Strong muscles, warm skin and curves pressed against her front. Her sleeping face shows calm eyes under her eyelids and jaw slack and relaxed, breathing untouched by pants and pauses.

 

She looks healthy again.

 

Delphine closes her eyes and tries to remember the feeling of Cosima pressed against her, soft curves and warmth filling the space between their bodies. Her skin hums and the corners of her lips twitch at the memory. Delphine inhales, sighing and pulling happiness to the forefront of her mind. She brings her hands to rub gently at her arms, imagining the warmth of her palms as Cosima's.

 

Cosima grumbles in her sleep and breaks Delphine's fantasy, her hands faulting and smile disappearing. Delphine's shoulders sag, cool dread seeping back into her spine and worry knitting in her brow. She resumes biting at her nails to fill her mind with scraping.

 

She hisses as she nips too hard and a prick of pain accompanies a droplet of blood on her finger. Her once well maintained and clean nails have been torn to pathetic stubs, edges rough and jagged against her tongue. Her cuticles are red rimmed and raw. Weeks of gnawing and biting has left her lip sore and swollen, the cold air chapping and cracking what was left untouched.

 

The phone rings shrilly before Delphine is quick to snatch it up and press it to her ear, she doesn’t want to wake Cosima from the first real sleep she’s had in days.

 

“Hello?” Delphine’s eyes stay trained on Cosima as she gets up and walks quietly to another room. Cosima’s lips part slightly as she starts to snore.

 

“Hello, am I speaking to Cosima?” Delphine shuts the bedroom door behind her.

 

“No, this is Delpine, her partner. Cosima is sleeping right now, who’s speaking?”

 

“Oh, hello Delphine. It’s Dr. Sadler.” Her heart leaps to her throat.

 

“Ah, hello Dr. Sadler.” Delphine picks at the edge of her sweater. She can hear flipping of papers from the other end of the phone.

 

“We would like Cosima to come in for a consultation as soon as possible, today even if she were up to it.”

 

Her stomach sinks as she thinks of waking Cosima from her sleep, putting her in the car and walking through endless hallways in the hospital. It would exhaust her for days to come.

 

“Is it urgent?”

 

“It’s not life or death, pardon the phrase, but the sooner the better.”

 

Her chest feels thick and heavy, she knows she has to do this, that Cosima must be woken.

 

“Uhm... we can get there in about forty-five minutes, does 4:00 work for you?”

 

“Take your time, I know Cosima is not physically well right now. There is a small bay with wheelchairs that you can use by the east entrance, should need be. You can meet me in my office”

 

_Cosima would never submit to being in a wheelchair._

 

“Yes, alright thank you. See you soon.”

 

The phone clicks and she puts it down, dread flaring in her chest and crawling up her throat. Delphine brings her hand to her forehead and breathes.

 

_Be strong for Cosima._

 

She’s hard to rouse without having been shaken, and Delphine definitely doesn’t want to shake her. Delphine explains the phone call and Cosima nods with a blank face. Cosima is slow going down the steps and getting into the car. Every bump and sudden turn in the road affects Cosima’s raw nerves, Delphine slowing her pace and inching over speed bumps.

 

Delphine eyes the small army of wheelchairs and looks to Cosima. Cosima adamantly shakes her head and pulls her down the long hallway.

 

“I don’t hurt, it’s just tiring.” she states.

 

They begin to walk down the corridor, passing room after room. With every few steps, Cosima leans her weight more and more on Delphine’s arm. Her nostrils flare as her breaths deepen. She leans against the wall, her shoulder slumping and lips parting to draw in air.

 

“Do you want me to get a wheel-”

 

“No, no I can do it, it’s okay.”

 

She breathes for a few moments before clasping Delphine again. The clock reads 4:07 as Delphine knocks on Dr. Sadler’s door and are promptly greeted by the doctor.

 

“Hello, ladies. Please come in and sit down. Are you having a good weekend?”

 

Cosima flops into her chair, head lolling back briefly before she nods. Dr. Sadler rifles with papers before clearing her throat.

 

“The results from your tests have come in, and it’s looking good. The mass of the growth has decreased by twenty percent, which is excellent.” Two similar images sit adjacent on the desk: the original CT scan and another scan, the white blur smaller than before.

 

“What does that mean for surgery?” Cosima asks, leaning forward on her elbows.

 

“Well, it means that we would schedule your operation for within the next month or so. Just to be sure, we want to do one more round of CR therapy before we start the surgery process.”

 

“Process?” Cosima’s eyebrows furrow, “Isn’t it just going in and snip, snip?” She cuts the air with two fingers. Dr. Sadler chuckles.

 

“No, unfortunately. Once your last round of CR therapy has ended, theres a week-long period where you would be weaned off of your medication and a week of absolutely no medication.”

 

“What, like the chemo meds?”

 

“Ah, no. You’d stop taking all your medication.” Dr. Sadler purses her lips.

 

“You mean Cosima would stop taking her pain medication and her anti-nausea capsules?” Delphine asks with wide eyes and an open mouth.

 

“Unfortunately, yes. Cosima’s growth has decreased in size just enough for the surgery to be performed, but it’s so fast growing we want to eliminate the possibility of growth between the chemotherapy and the surgery. Usually, the weaning period is longer but we can’t risk any growth that could potentially compromise the surgery success.”

 

The ceiling fan whirs quietly and the overhead lights hum as the room falls silent. Delphine lets the information sink in, making a list of facts in her head.

 

_Cosima is now on the path to surgery, and therefore wellness._

_Cosima has to do another round of therapy._

_After that round, she has to gradually stop taking her medication._

_She will have a full week or longer with pain and vomiting._

_After this week of pain and suffering, she will have her surgery_

_She’ll then be free of the tumour._

_Pain for Cosima._

_More pain._

Delphine opens her mouth to say something when she’s cut off by Cosima.

 

“Yeah, sounds okay. I’m ready to get into the operating room.” A lopsided but weak smile on her lips.

 

“This is a big step, and it’s going to get difficult.” Dr. Sadler comments.

 

“Yeah, but we can do it. Right, Delphine?” Cosima grins at her toothily and grabs her hand, squeezing.

 

Delphine’s eyes catch Cosima’s and her throat tightens. Cosima’s eyes show so much hope despite her pain, genuine happiness in her expression. Throughout bruises and vomit and  more than twenty five pills a day, Cosima remains hopeful as ever. Delphine inhales quickly, her chest catching.

 

“Yes, of course.” She replies like her hands aren’t shaking or her eyes aren’t starting to glisten. Delphine smiles as if Cosima’s cells haven’t betrayed the woman she loves. She squeezes her hand just as she would if Cosima were as well as she seemed this afternoon, sleeping innocent and peaceful on the couch.

 

She smiles as if nothing is wrong.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Always - I Fight Dragons
> 
> AN : I'm leaving the country again, so the next update won't be until the 25th of March. As a sorry-present, I've made a playlist that you can find at cophinehaus.tumblr.com, under the tab CSAC at the top of the page.


	12. But It's Disintegrating

Delphine hugs her knees to her chest as she sits atop the mattress, teeth tugging on her bottom lip. They scrape at rough scabs and divots, dull pain lacing swollen skin. Cosima groans in pain under the sheets beside her, adjusting herself as she sleeps. Delphine rests her temple on top of her knees to look at Cosima, pulling her arms tighter around her legs. Cosima turns to face her, sheets rustling around her knees as she moves in slumber.

 

Delphine gnaws absently as she reaches to trace Cosima’s thinning hairline. Her gentle fingertips meet cool sweat on Cosima’s forehead.

 

Delphine traces Cosima’s features with a feather-light touch, careful not to wake her. Delphine had taken it upon herself to give Cosima the whole bed and sleep on the couch as a precaution to avoid accidental injury during the night. Even an arm thrown around her waist would result in tears. Delphine craves Cosima, devoid of any form of touch for weeks due to her pain. What she would give for an innocent hug from Cosima, to feel her small body pressed against her, arms around her neck or her scent lingering on her own skin afterwards.

 

She misses Cosima.

 

She misses her smiles that stretch wolfish across her teeth. Perfume seemingly woven into every textile in the house. One bark of laughter followed by ripples of throaty chuckles. Ring-heavy fingers threaded with her own. Sharp eyeliner framing soft eyes. Greetings of bear hugs and kisses. Hurried kisses in the morning that taste like coffee. The press of hips against thighs.

 

Delphine’s body screams for nicotine, to inhale embers and exhale blue smoke. She wants to take a drag so deep that the cigarette burns her fingers and her eyes glaze over because there’s nowhere else in her body for the haze to go. She nearly broke and did it, but when the filter had touched her lips she only thought of Cosima’s sick lungs. The blood stain on the carpet from weeks ago loomed in her memory. The newly opened pack was abandoned in the trash.

 

Delphine tastes iron in her mouth and feels pricks in her eyes, fingers starting to tremble against Cosima’s skin. Delphine inhales deeply, lungs filling with what she wishes was anything but this.

 

The house smells of stale bedding and Cosima hasn’t smiled in over two weeks.

 

There are no chemicals coursing through her veins, tricking her body into submission and numbing her senses. Every ache and pain that had been tamed now runs wild beneath her skin, lapping flesh with a barbed tongue and picking at the tendons between bones with sharp claws. Every movement of her body sends licks of flames up her spine and down her arms, the sensation of screws being pulled from putty in her joints.

 

Delphine doesn’t want another three days of this hell for Cosima. She can’t bear to see her cry one more time, hear the retch of her throat and yelps of pain. Cosima’s jaw tenses so often she is surprised when it isn’t flexing. Delphine doesn’t want to have to convince Cosima to eat, have to explain the importance of _eating_ one more time.

 

Delphine wipes her eyes with her sleeve before tracing Cosima’s lips. She brings a fingertip to feel the edges, tracing her cupid’s bow. An idea unfolds in Delphine’s mind. She pushes three fingers against Cosima’s mouth slightly before bringing them to her own. Delphine closes her eyes and kisses her fingers.

 

It’s not the same, but it’s all she has.

 

Delphine unfolds her legs and tiptoes to the dining room. The oven nags 02:27 but Delphine isn’t phased, she hasn’t slept before three in days.

 

Delphine shakes her head as she sighs. She sits on a wooden chair at the dining table and opens the light blue package of papers she’s practically memorized. She skims through the material of what Cosima can and cannot eat, what medication she can’t take (all of them) and the prep work to do for her arrival back home before she reaches the last page.

 

Sunday, April 8th - 10:00 am.

 

Delphine swallows every time she reads the last lines of Dr. Sadler’s sharp handwriting. Cosima had finally been given a date and time for her surgery a week and a half ago at the beginning of the “weaning period” as Dr. Sadler had put it. After a week of decreasing Cosima’s daily dosage day-by-day, she had been cut off of all medication four days ago. After nearly two weeks of pain, Cosima was barely seventy-two hours away from the day of her surgery.

 

Delphine is terrified.

 

Delphine knows how safe surgeries generally are, but this doesn’t quell the ever-present churning in her stomach.

 

She exhales heavily and holds her head in her hands, elbows on the table and fingers caught in  greasy hair. She stands up, one hand still in her curls as she walks towards the bathroom to shower. She flicks the light on and strips of her clothes, leaving them in a pile on the floor. Delphine catches her reflection out of the corner of her eye and turns to face it.

 

The woman in the mirror stares at Delphine with red-rimmed eyelids and dark bags hanging from her eyes. Her hands come to touch her neck in unison with Delphine, bitten fingernails scratching the skin and leaving little pricks of pink in their wake. Her hair is tired and tangled, falling haphazardly to her shoulders in unorganized layers. Blotches of pinks colour her cheeks from weeks of crying. Delphine hides her scabbed lips just as the woman does.

 

Delphine shakes her head and steps into the shower, turning the spray on. She stands under the water, motionless, as her hair gets wet and small rivulets trickle down her back. She turns the dial slightly, her muscles are sore and the hot water will feel good on them.

 

She’s finished massaging shampoo into her hair and rinsing, but the water isn’t hot enough. She turns it up again. She lathers herself in Cosima’s body wash shyly. Delphine misses the scent on Cosima, so she might as well use it herself.  Her eyes slide shut as the steamy, warm room bathes her in Cosima’s scent. She basks in the familiar surroundings for a while longer before turning off the shower and drying herself with a towel.

 

As she lay on the made-up bed on the couch, huddled in blankets, Delphine thinks about the clinic. A wave of embarrassment washes over her and she scrunches her eyes shut. _That was so stupid of me._

_“Alison, I- I can’t do it.” Delphine says as she walks into the office and leans her back against the closed door._

_“What? Dr. Corm- Delphine, what can’t you do?”_

_Delphine shut her eyes and licked her lip._

_“I can’t... I can’t give an injection.” She shook her head as she said it, it even sounds ridiculous coming out of her own mouth._

_“Is there a malfunction?”_

_“No, no I just- I keep... It’s...” Delphine began to ring her hands, her voice quaking._

_Alison stands up and gently takes Delphine’s unsteady hands in hers. Delphine eyes don’t leave the floor._

_“What’s wrong, Delphine?” Alison asks softly._

_“It’s nothing, I’m just being silly-”_   
  


_“Delphine.”_

_Delphine purses her lips and swallows before taking a breath._

_“I keep seeing her as the patient. I see me giving the injection to her.” Delphine mutters._

_“Seeing who?” Alison says confused._

_A long pause of silence spans between them before Delphine clears her throat._

_“Cosima. I keep seeing Cosima.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Medicine - Daughter


	13. Just One Step At A Time

“Cosima, this is a bad idea.”  
  
“No it’s not, it’ll be fine.”

“Cosim-”

“Please?”  
  
“You should be resting, your surgery is tomorrow morning-”

“I’ve been doing nothing _but_ resting for months.” Cosima whines. Delphine pinches the bridge of her nose and exhales.

“Okay... okay. But we have to bring the chair, please.” Cosima opens her mouth to protest when Delphine cuts her off, “It’s for safety.” Delphine crosses her arms stubbornly.

“Fine.” Cosima huffs.

“D’accord. Do you need help getting ready?”

“Uh... probably. Can you put it in the car and then, like... come back and see how I’m doing? I’ll need help getting to the door anyways.” Cosima says sullenly.

“Mhm. I’ll be back, please be careful.”

“I’m just getting dressed, relax. I’m not an infant.” Cosima grumbles.

Delphine walks to the corner of the room and folds up the daunting steel and fabric that Cosima despises. After insane amounts of protesting and refusing, a hospital-issued wheelchair now sits in their living room. It seems to fill the whole room, another ever-present reminder of Cosima’s weakness. The fact that she’s consenting, asking to sit in it in public is shocking, but Delphine couldn’t say no. She’d been miserable before her eyes had a tiny spark of an idea.

It's dangerous and stupid and risky, but damn it if it wouldn’t make Cosima happier than she had been in weeks.

Delphine heaves the chair to the door, metal scraping against the floor with every tug. She scrambles to hold the folded mass upright as she fiddles with her car beeper, unlocking and popping the trunk. The chair slides into the trunk easily once she clears some space in the clutter. She huffs as she slams the trunk closed with a satisfying thud.

Delphine returns to their bedroom to see Cosima half dressed and sitting on the mattress. Her pants are tugged up to her knees and her feet sport half-socks as they dangle off the bed. An oversized t-shirt dwarfs her already tiny torso, her body swimming in it.

“Can you help?” Cosima asks.

Delphine nods and crouches in front of her feet, pulling the socks fully up to her ankles.

“You’re going stand up and then I’m going to pull up your pants, okay? It’ll be easier and then we can just go out the door.” Delphine says as a question.

Cosima nods and inhales, bracing for the pain that will come with standing suddenly.

“Un... deux... trois.” Delphine bites her lip as Cosima braces herself on her arms.

Cosima groans deeply as she stands. She’s wobbly on her feet and panting heavily, but she’s up. Delphine pulls up the waistband gently, careful to avoid applying pressure to Cosima’s bruised skin. Cosima throws an arm around Delphine’s shoulder with a sharp inhale. Delphine knows to wait until Cosima indicates she’s ready.

Cosima nods once. Delphine places a tentative hand on Cosima’s waist as she starts to walk towards the door with small steps. Cosima whimpers with every step, but doesn’t ask to stop until they get to the door.

“Shoes... coat...” she pants, eyes screwed shut.

_Merde._

Delphine scans the room with wide eyes for shoes on the floor. She helps Cosima into an old pair of red slip-on boots, blocking out the sounds she emits as her bony ankles bend into the boot.

_Coat, coat, coat..._

Delphine eventually just shirks off her long, black coat and threads Cosima’s frail arms through the sleeves. It’s way too long on her and she can’t even poke her palms out the ends of the sleeves, but it’ll keep her warm in the chilly April air. Cosima leans the entirety of her weight on Delphine as they go down the stairs at the landing and towards the car. A cool breeze licks the back of Delphine’s exposed neck, goosebumps erupting on her forearms. She helps Cosima into the passenger seat, lifting her feet into the car and doing up her seat belt.

“Del, I’m fine, really. Aren’t you cold?” Cosima says as she pries the seatbelt from Delphine’s hand and does it up.

“Oui, actually. I’m just going to grab another coat. I’ll be right back.”

Delphine rubs her arms as she hurries back inside and shrugs on the first coat she can find. As she ambles into the seat and starts the car, she hears a sound Cosima hasn’t made in weeks.

“What, is today like _hilarious-matching-couple day_ or something?” Cosima chuckles. It’s coated in rust and scrapes her throat after weeks of being MIA, but it’s a chuckle nonetheless. Delphine smiles at the sound, cheeks warming. She looks down at the coat she’s wearing and lets out a laugh herself.

The sleeves end before her wrists and the bottom hem hangs level with her hipbones: she’s picked up Cosima’s coat by mistake.

“We can swap once we get there, if it’s that embarrassing for you.” Delphine quips. It feels good to joke with Cosima again, to see happiness in her eyes and hear playfulness in her voice.

The closer they get to their destination, the more Cosima groans in her seat. The bumps and swerves in the road hurt the bruises and the movement of the car feeds her nausea. Delphine can feel her excitement ebbing away as it replaces itself with worry and regret.

“Are you sure you want to do this? I can just turn around...?” Delphine asks hesitantly.

“No, I’m fine. It’ll be worth it.”

Delphine pulls into a spot harshly, her foot crushing the brake pedal a little too fast. Cosima yelps as she lurches forwards in her seat, hands flying to brace herself against the dash.

"Oh m- I'm sorry are you-"

"Yes, yes. Just- please get the chair." Cosima says as she stares at the salt-stained carpet between her feet.

Delphine helps Cosima from the car into her chair. They don't bother to swap coats, they're both warm and really, what does it matter? Besides, Delphine thinks, she looks cute in my coat.

The path is bumpy and uneven and Cosima white-knuckles most of their journey. Delphine inhales deeply, the cool air tickling the inside of her nose. Her boots crunch the gravel beneath her feet, puddles of muddy water leaving haphazard tracks after Cosima's wheels. The closer they get, the more animated Cosima becomes, pointing out what small patches of white snow remain and little green plants starting to grow. She even points out a squirrel, of all things. Delphine grins from ear to ear.

****They’ve returned once more to their spot in the park and Cosima sits beside Delphine on the bench like always.

Cosima lays her palm flat against the top of Delphine’s hand, her fingertips tracing from nail to knuckle with featherlight strokes. Delphine can see a smile twitching on Cosima’s lips, growing with every stroke.

“Thank you. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

* * *

 

Cosima lays on Delphine’s makeshift bed in the living room as Delphine reads on the computer. Soft music floats through the living room and into the office. Delphine's tired eyes scan the screen, it’s some article that Alison had emailed her, something to do about coping or _Managing Your Emotions_. She doesn’t have the attentiveness to read through the whole thing and huffs as she closes the laptop and puts her face in her hands.

“Del?” Cosima’s voice is quiet from the other room.

“Oui?” She calls back.

“Can you c’mere for a sec?”

Delphine stands and enters the room to find Cosima bracing herself against the back of the couch, iPod in her hand as she clicks it into the speaker. Cosima turns around and walks slow and unsteady to the center of the room. Delphine walks to her, hands hovering around her hips.

“Are you alright?”

“Dance with me.” Cosima’s voice is stronger than her steps. Her jaw is set and her face is stoic. There’s a silence as the speaker syncs. Delphine stares at Cosima’s outstretched arms, tracing from shoulder to bicep, elbow to wrist, palm to fingertip and back.

“What?” Delphine clears her throat.

“Please.” Cosima asks again.

“You could fall and hurt yours-”

Cosima’s stone mask melts away, revealing the exposed and vulnerable child that hides behind her mother’s skirt.

“I just wanted to feel _normal_ again, just for today. I don’t- I don’t want to think about what could go wrong and I... Just in case- in case, I mean... I want you to hav-  just please, Del.”

Cosima’s eyes are brimming with tears as she looks at Delphine with begging eyes. Delphine’s heart plummets when the song finally starts, quick piano and taps weighing her shoulders with an all too familiar weight.

****It’s the song they danced to on Valentine’s Day.

Delphine’s mind is flooded with that night. Chocolates, smiles, laughter, kisses. Cosima had been strong, she had whisked Delphine to her feet and kissed her silly. They had danced around the floor and Delphine had relished the love and warmth Cosima gave her. Her dress had hugged her curves and she'd been absolutely gorgeous. There had been no pain, only love and laughter. The room had been bathed in the warm glow of sunset and the smell of crepes lingered all throughout the house. Her tongue had tasted chocolate and champagne. It had been perfect.

Cosima’s once strong hands now cling to Delphine, tendons tight and knuckles stretching underneath her pale skin. Her colourful assortment of rings hang loose on her bones. The room is cold, clouds casting a gloomy grey on everything in sight. The house smells of old sheets laced with the sweet acidity of vomit. Cosima can’t even put on her own clothes, let alone lead Delphine to the bedroom.

So much had changed in so little time.

“ _Please_.” Cosima’s lip quakes as her eyes dart from eye to eye.

Delphine’s vision blurs with tears as she presses her lips together and nods, closing her eyes so Cosima won’t see her sadness. Cosima rests her forehead in the crook of Delphine’s neck and places her thin hands on Delphine’s shoulder blades. Delphine brings her hands gingerly around Cosima’s torso. She’s afraid her fingertips will cause hair-thin cracks to spread on Cosima’s skin.  

They sway back and forth, like dying branches of a tree. Slow, defeated, sad. A lump rises in Delphine’s throat. Cosima breathes against her skin, small breaths of warm air. She can feel Cosima crying wordlessly, tears wetting her skin. Cosima traces small circles with her fingertips between her shoulderblades.

The song lyrics and the thought of tomorrow and the harsh contrast to happier days cause the lump in her throat to swell. It starts to suffocate her as her mind goes frantic. She thinks about the possibility that this could be the last dance, the last day, the last night with Cosima. The last everything.

She can’t take it.

She heaves loudly with an open mouth and closed eyes. She crushes her lip between her teeth, trying to muffle the sounds that spill from her mouth. Her chest rucks as she sobs and she fights to steady her breathing, ugly heaving through her nose mottled with blubbery breaths. Tears streak her cheeks and Cosima backs away slightly. Delphine opens her eyes and sees Cosima, blurry and warped through her tears.

Cosima brings her hands to Delphine’s cheeks, wiping tears away with the pads of her thumbs. Delphine heaves breaths through her mouth, chest shaking with every deep inhale. Her vision clears as she blinks and she sees Cosima clearly, her eyes are full of tears, eyebrows together as she quietly tries to calm Delphine, mouthing soothing words. Delphine loses what little composure she’s gained and sobs, she sobs against Cosima’s forehead and wrings her hands into Cosima’s sweater.

She can’t lose this, she can’t lose Cosima. She loves her too much. Cosima’s suffered so much it just would be foul play of the Gods to snatch her away. Delphine wails, her throat hurts and her nose is running and it’s just too much. Her lungs pound their fists in an erratic drum beat against the inside of their bone-and-flesh cage as she tries to breathe.

“Delphine, hey, Del please.” Cosima whispers, her fingers brushing the hair matted to Delphine’s face. She cups Delphine’s jaw. Delphine shakes as she cries. Cosima sniffs and swallows, biting her lip to stifle her own tears.

“I l-ove you, I love y-ou I love you.” Delphine chokes. Her throat jumps and closes as she tries to steady her breathing. Delphine cups Cosima’s cheeks, tears wetting her fingertips.

She opens her eyes wide as her fingers dig into Cosima’s cheeks, she needs to _see_ her, to burn Cosima into her retinas and paint her onto the walls of her eyelids. She can’t lose this, Delphine foolishly thinks, she can’t lose memories and feelings and sensations. Her hands skitter over her hair, her ears, her neck.  She needs to _feel_ Cosima, engrave Cosima into her fingertips so much that she leaves a trace of her in whatever her fingerprint touches. Cosima is the gold to her Midas.

“Hey, shh... shh it’s okay.” Cosima soothes, thumbs tracing Delphine’s cheekbones.

****_It’s not okay I might lose you tomorrow if something goes wrong and oh god what if something goes wrong what would I do I love you so much je t’aime je t’aime what if it what if what if whatifwhatifwhatif you’re so good you’re so whole and your eyes, Dieu tes yeux, your eyes shine like the angels live in your corneas and I’m fluent in two languages but I’ll never have the courage to say what I mean and I can’t stand the thought oh god what if what if whatifwhatif_

Delphine wants to scream, run, do _something_ , her stomach tightens and twists like it’s ready to empty itself. Her eyes lock, red rimmed and burning with Cosima and she knows that she has no option but to wait out the storm, to cling for dear life as winds rip at her body and the universe laughs at her pain, snarling and snapping at her ankles.

Her breathing starts to even as Cosima continues to soak love into her skin with whispers and touches. Cosima guides Delphine’s head to touch her shoulder and holds the back of her neck. She hates this, the fact that she's needing to be comforted because Cosima is sick but she let's Cosima love her, her body greedily feasting on what she'd been starved for.

Delphine inhales shakily, a ghost of Cosima’s perfume filling her lungs. Delphine drowns herself in it, she focuses on Cosima’s touch and smell and how her sweater feels between her fingers, the same as it did before the stain she can’t get out of the rug no matter how hard she scrubs. Her chest hurts so much.

“I love you, Delphine. You’ll be okay.”

“I w-want _you_ to be okay.” Delphine says like a child.

Cosima swallows. Delphine can’t see her face, but she knows she’s crying too. Her voice trembles like paper-crane wings in a windstorm.

“I know.”

She can't promise that she'll be okay, Delphine knows this. She can't possibly risk giving Delphine false hope or security. She knows it wouldn’t be fair to paint a picture of hope in Delphine's chest with intricate strokes that whisper of a future, blotches of colours a pledge of days to come, only to rip the crooning possibility from her ribs. A myriad of coloured paints smearing with the red of her blood to create a sickening brown, oozing and choking out any dreams that had kept her chest from collapsing.

"Sleep with me in the bed tonight. I miss sleeping with you." Cosima says, to which Delphine nods frantically.

Delphine surges and kisses Cosima. It's sloppy and salty and wet, but it fills Delphine to the brim with feeling. Her body awakens and suddenly she's alive again, because she's kissing Cosima and Cosima's kissing her back like her life depends on it.

**  
** Maybe in a way, it does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is Your Love Strong Enough? - Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross


	14. I Am Fearing It All

She brings her hands to squeeze the pew she sits on, hunching her shoulders and dropping her head.

After half an hour of sitting in the cold, metallic waiting room she'd started to fidget. Her teeth had met her fingernails viciously and her knee bounced up and down. She rustled through a magazine full of pearly whites and tanned skin without registering any of it.

After forty-five minutes, she'd started glancing at the steel doors that Cosima had disappeared through so often that her neck had started to hurt. She kneaded her neck with clammy fingers and jagged fingernails.

After an hour, she started pacing, heeled boots clacking repetitively on the hospital tiles. She'd even progressed to laps around the waiting room that had earned some stares from behind newspapers and phone screens.

At the hour and a half mark, she'd become so restless she had to get out of there. She floundered a bit, scrambling to think of a place to go. Eventually she'd decided to just get out into the street, cleanse her lungs of the stale hospital air that had become suffocating.

With her number scrawled on a crumpled receipt and pressed into some nurses hand, Bette? Beth? she'd walked the sidewalk until her hands had stopped shaking. She hadn't even given the nurse Cosima's name, just instructions to call if something happened on the floor. Her eyes stayed trained on the ground, counting every crack she passed over. She walked in whatever which way her feet took her, turning left and right and crossing the black-and-white stripes of crosswalks. Dark boots had blurred against the dirty grey ground and her breath had quickened as she'd walked faster and faster.

The numbers had muddled somewhere past one hundred cracks before she'd knocked into a stranger, eyes tearing from the ground wide with shock. An apology was caught in her throat as her mouth gaped open. He waved her off with a scoff and continued on his busy way. She held her forehead and looked around as she realized she didn't know where she was at all. Steel and glass buildings loomed high in the distance, smaller homes and complexes lining the street she had somehow gotten to.

Her eyes had fallen on an old, stone church. Vines of ivy crept up the sides, their tendrils snaking up towards the cross adorning the peak.

So now she sits with white knuckles and a tight gut in an unnamed church.

Delphine pulls her phone from her coat pocket and presses the button, seeing if she's missed a text or call in the five minutes since she last checked. The screen mocks her with a blank inbox.

 _I'm being ridiculous_ , she huffs as she crams her phone back into her pocket and clutches the pew in front of her.

Delphine isn't religious, her scientific brain had never fully accepted the idea, but her family used to attend church when she was younger, back in France. They had gone to pray for her ailing grandmother, their own well being and for health and comfort. Maybe her eight-year-old-brain had led her here on those memories of hope in a faceless deity.

She inhales through her nose and fills her lungs with the smell of old wood, candle smoke and dust. She runs her fingers over the sagging wooden seat and traces the bumps and ridges that age and wandering touches, misplaced books and ornate handbags has afforded it.

Her fingertips graze over eight identical marks that lay smoother than the rest of the hairline scrapes. She places a single finger in each groove, filling them to cradle her fingerprints. Her palms are flat against the back of the pew in front of her and her fingers are spread, curled slightly over the top.

Delphine's lips part as she inhales when she realizes what she's done: she's filled the grooves of another's pleading fingers. The hollows that once bore the tight vice of desperation are now occupied by Delphine and her worry.

Delphine's face contorts and she fights a stray hitch that threatens to climb up her throat. The candle flames that adorn the altar blur into a thousand pale spheres that hang just out of reach. The weight of her actions befall her.

Here she sits, grieving and worrying over the possibility of losing the woman she loves more than anything, feeling utterly overwhelmed but entirely alone, when others had done the exact same thing in this very seat. They might have worried about their child or their home, their money or their own health, but the eight smooth grooves that lay beneath her skin proves that she is not alone.

She lightly traces the grooves with her trembling finger. Her actions feel intrusive, borderline offensive. She sniffles and gathers herself.

Delphine rises and makes her way to the front of the church. Her legs wobble slightly and she wipes away tears with the heels of her palms. The heels of her boots are muted against the carpet of the center aisle, worn by countless wedding parties and pleading souls.

 _Those are the only reason to go to a church, right?_  Delphine muses silently, running her fingertips over the cooled wax rivulets on the altar.

_You go to be wed, start a new life together, two now united as one. Everyone smiles, your previously bare finger boasts a golden commitment and white bouquet is thrown to those hoping to follow in your footsteps. Pride fills the room and cameras shutters click click click at every detail. The walk, the ring, the kiss, the flowers. A happy occasion where the only mascara that runs is due to an overflow of joy._

_Or,_

_You go to plead. You get on your knees and clasp your shaking hands together so tight that your knuckles stretch your skin white. You close your tear-sore eyes and hope that your silent screams will be louder than everyone else's and that someone, somewhere has the power to put a stop to your ache. Convincing, begging, citing why you should be chosen. Proving your loyalty and everlasting fealty in the hopes that finally, finally you are deserving of salvation. No film is developed, no congratulations from loved ones. A wary look from the corner of a dry eye and a sympathetic nod is all you receive._

Delphine sinks to her knees on the padded stool that rests in front of the thousands of candles. She joins her hands and rests her forehead on her thumb knuckles, closing her eyes. She prays that the surgeon's hands are steady and Cosima's lungs behave. She prays that Cosima will feel little pain in addition to her already amassed agony. She prays that her hair will grow thick once again and her skin will return to its beautiful tan, unblemished by blackberry-and-red-wine-stain bruises. She prays that soon she will be able to hold Cosima in her arms and sleep without fear of setting her nerves on fire. She prays for Cosima.

Delphine is pulled from her thoughts as her pocket vibrates.

Once, then again.

Her heart squeezes in her throat as a chill trickles down her spine. As if remote controlled, Delphine reaches into her pocket and pulls out her phone. Two texts from an unidentified number flash innocently on her home screen.

_12:46 : it's beth_

_12:46 : theres a code blue_

Working in hospitals during school offers her knowledge that now blares in her skull. Code blue : patient in need of immediate resuscitation, cardiac or respiratory arrest.

Her retinas burn the messages haphazardly.  _code blue there's a :46 code blue it's beth a code12:4 bl beth code blue cod its 2:46 : blue code blue it's betcode blue_

Delphine does not feel the pain of her wrist jamming as she thrusts the heavy church door open. She does not hear the angry cab driver who slams his brakes and hollers at her for cutting him off, nearly knocking her down. She doesn't feel the burn of cold air in her healthy lungs as she runs at a full sprint. She is oblivious to the looks she receives as she barrels her way down the hospital hallways. She screeches to a halt in a waiting room. Her eyes tear from patron to patron, looking for something, anything. She is the only one panting with wild eyes.

The intercom is still chiming a coded alert, demanding more staff. A mob of scrubs and stethoscopes runs past her, sneakers squeaking against the tile floor. She reaches for them, words falling from her mouth as her eyes dart with panic.

"Excus- excu- please I just want... can you... please hey I need-"

She runs after them in a hurry with her arm outstretched. They hang a left and start running towards the operating rooms. Delphine's throat twitches at the thought of Cosima in one of those rooms.

"Please! Can someone just tell- hey! Excu-"

She's only a few steps from the still-swinging metal doors before she's stopped by a pair of hands on her shoulders. She comes to a halt, path obstructed but mind still reeling.

"Ma'am you can't go in there, that's authorized person-"

"I just need to see if-" Delphine struggles against her captor, twisting her torso and attempting to free herself. The words haven't sunk in, deafened and mottled by the pumping of blood in her ears.

"Ma'am please, you're not authoriz-"

"Please just tell me!"

"Ma'am, I'm going to take you back to the waiting room." Delphine catches the eyes of a few other staff members and a handful of others. She quickly stops struggling as she shrinks with embarrassment.

"No! No, I'm sorry I can... sorry... I can go by myself"

Delphine shuts down as she finishes her sentence. The adrenaline drains from her body as her shoulders sag and legs quake. She allows herself to be led to the appropriate waiting room.

Before the nurse even turns around she is making a beeline for the washroom. Delphine sits on the toilet seat and cradles her forehead with her fingers, elbows weighing painfully on her knees. Her chest is sore from panting and her nose drips freely as she sits mute in the artificial light.

_What really happens if I lose her?_

For months, Delphine had avoided even thinking about it. Every time she had a fear crawling up her spine she would read more articles and do more research, anything to get her mind off of the thought. She pushed it deep down, refusing to acknowledge it.

But now she'd been pushed into reality with the chime of an emergency code.

Every carefully laid brick and deliberately placed reinforcement had come crumbling down. Padlocks smashed open, chains ripped to pieces. Every defense mechanism that Delphine had created had fallen with one text. She feels a lump catch in her throat and blood thud in her ears.

_Will her smell fade? Everything reminds me of her. The artwork on the walls, the incense, the deep reds and the eclectic collection of jewellery. Would I be able to live in our home without her? She who makes it my home, with her love and her hugs and her laughs. Without her it won't be home. Our home will become a mausoleum with me trapped inside, every day a reminder that she no longer exists._

_Nobody would ever look at me the same again. Every work party I went to I would get pity. Would I have to tell Scott myself, or would he find out on his own?_

_I would suffocate in things we never got to do. She never met my parents, I never met hers. The first time I would meet her parents would be at her funeral._

_"Hello, I'm Delphine. I loved your daughter so much it hurts, nice to meet you."_

_She would have loved my brother. We could have gone back to France like we planned and walk the cobblestones hand in hand like in the movies. I would have kissed her at the Eiffel Tower. She would butcher all the French, but I would love her so much anyways. She never took me to San Fran, like she swore she would. I couldn't go without her. I wouldn't know where to go or what to see._

_We never got the two-story with the yard in the back. She would've wanted to paint the door red. I would've let her. We could've strung up lights at christmas together._

_We could've kissed under the mistletoe and eaten gingerbread and played in the snow. We only got a handful of nights by the fire, why didn't we have more?_

_She didn't get to finish her PhD. She was so damn close. She always laughed about having a doctorate and dating a doctor. It'll never be 'married to a doctor.'_

_We never tried that recipe she always wanted to try. What was it? Something about spicy shrimp pasta._

_Everything would be different. I would look at every brunette I see and ask "Where are your glasses? Where are the leggings and dreads and hand with a mind of their own? When did you lose your dreads and toothy grin?"_

_"Why don't your eyes sparkle with glee?"_

_"Why are you not her?"_

_We never went to the new aquarium._

_We never tried pottery._

_I would miss her arms around me._

_The bed would be so cold._

_I would have to move._

_I wish I had proposed all those months ago. I still have the ring. It would have been beautiful. Our bench was the perfect spot. I was just too nervous._ _Maybe it would've been too soon for her._

_It was never too soon for me._

 

_She would've been such a beautiful bride._

 

Delphine's scream ricochets off the walls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in Here - Sia


	15. Nu Avec Elle, Je T'Offre Mes Ailes

The time since the start of Cosima’s surgery creeps up on eight hours and Delphine looks calm in the maroon waiting room chair. Her legs stay still and her feet don’t tap where they’re rooted to the floor. She looks tired with pale skin and heavy eyelids but she gives no indication of the nerves that are keeping her limbs electric. Upon closer inspection however, she is still anxiously waiting for something to go wrong. Her teeth chew at her inner cheeks and lips, nipping and tearing micro pieces of skin, her hands twitch slightly where they’re tucked into her pockets. Her throat is raw from her bout of hoarse pleading in the bathroom, the back of her throat tickles and aches.

She was foolish, she didn't think to bring a book or headphones or anything to pass the time. She chastises herself and curses her own self-inflicted waiting game. If she had brought something to do she would at least be semi distracted. Now, she is wholly aware of exactly how many minutes that Cosima has been on the table.

She wants to smoke. Badly. Her fingers are aching to cradle a cigarette and her throat begs to be scalded by smoke. She won’t run off though, not again. A cigarette would require going outside, and she doesn’t want to risk anything. She bites her inner lips with more force as a replacement. Nothing could break her resolve. Lobectomies are usually supposed to take about three hours and rarely take more than five.

She clenches her jaw and she feels a spike of pain.

"Merde!" she whispers, bringing a finger to touch her rapidly swelling bottom lip. She furrows her brow at the swipe of blood on her fingertip and huffs.

_Relax Cormier. Cosima is fine. You're being ridiculous._

Hours ago, shortly after she received the texts that sent her into a panic, Delphine watched a balding doctor gently pull two women aside from the waiting room. He led them towards a small room on the other side of the hallway. One of the women looked to be at least eighty, the other maybe forty or fifty. Delphine assumed a mother and her daughter. They both had tightly wadded tissues in their fists and bags under their eyes that matched Delphine’s own.

They spent about ten minutes with the doctor before they emerged with teary eyes and a tight grasp on the others hand. He gave them a sad smile and a gentle rub on on of their upper arms before turning and disappearing behind the large metal doors from which he came. Delphine felt a sick mixture of guilt and joy as she watched someone lose their loved one, thankful that she hadn’t been the one pulled aside. _It must’ve been their loved one who had coded, Delphine had thought._ She’d felt an absolute wave of relief wash over her knowing that Cosima was still safe on the table.

Once he was gone, the elderly woman had sunk her head onto her daughter’s chest and cried as her daughter rubbed her back, fighting back tears of her own. She guided her mother down the hallway and out of sight, presumably to fill out paperwork.

“Ms. Cormier?”

Delphine’s heart lurches and she scrambles to get up from her seat. Delphine quickly swipes her bleeding bottom lip with the back of her hand. She meets eyes with those of Dr. Sadler and her nerves quickly dissipate as she receives a small smile. Both sets of eyes are tired and strained.

Delphine’s lower lids are dark and baggy thanks to countless nights of little sleep, pulled out of her rest by a fit of coughing from the bedroom or a tight knot of anxiety in her gut. Her eyes are red rimmed from crying and wiping her tears away, leaving them feeling hot and scratchy. Delphine’s eyes scream of hope and desperation. Dr. Sadler’s eyes are half lidded but pleased, evidently exhausted from being in the operating room for over twice as long as she should’ve been.

“She’s ready to see you now. She might have dozed off, but she’s stable. There’s no cot, but you’re welcome to stay the night with her. You can’t sleep in the bed with her, though, for safety’s sake. She’s in the recovery hall, room 3-24B.” Delphine nods and mumbles a thank you as she starts to walk towards the exit. Dr. Sadler puts a hand on Delphine’s forearm to halt her.

“I’m giving you a heads up, she’s fine- but you might be... startled.” Dr. Sadler’s voice is low, her lips tighten into a line and her eyebrows raise a fraction. Delphine swallows and nods as Dr. Sadler squeezes her arm gently before her grip loosens and Delphine makes a slow path to the room. She takes her time, suddenly wary, ambling down the hallway and looking at everything but the room labelled 3-24B. She rests her palm on the cool metal door handle, not enough pressure to open the door.
    
    
      
    

_Why am I stalling?_
    
    
      
    

_Because something behind this door might startle me._
    
    
      
    

Delphine closes her eyes and inhales. She steels herself and sets her jaw, not wanting to show any negative reactions to what may lie beyond. With an exhale, the door handle clicks softly and she opens the door in one fluid motion.

Cosima looks small, smaller than ever.

Delphine swore she wouldn’t cry (again) but her body is determined to betray her as a lump climbs up her throat. She brings her knuckle between her teeth, silencing herself before she can alert Cosima to her distress. She waits for her throat to stop hitching as she breathes with an open mouth for several long minutes. The room is quiet save for a muted digital beeping that mimics Cosima’s heart rate, the quiet hiss of an oxygen tank and Delphine’s breathing.

Cosima lays propped up on her back with her eyes closed and her lips parted. Her bed is pressed up near a window and a chair sits adjacent. Her head lolls on her right shoulder so her face is turned as if she was looking out the window and away from the door. Delphine’s eyes skirt around her body.

_1 cannula snug in her nose._

_2 sticky pads peeking out from her neckline._

_1 finger clasp on her hand._

_1 lilac hospital gown dwarfing her body._

_1 drip inserted into her forearm._

_2 large tubes emerging from her side._

_Countless bandages and medical tape._
    
    
      
    

Delphine walks like a deer on new legs to the chair that sits near Cosima’s bed, careful to make as little noise as possible. The chair sighs as she sits on the thin padding and Cosima’s eyelids flutter weakly before going motionless again. Delphine brings her trembling fingertips to graze the wrist that isn’t laced with tubes and bandages. She traces the nautilus tattoo slowly like she had all those weeks ago after their fight. Spiral inwards, outwards, inwards, outwards, like the ebb and flow of the sea. Delphine’s mind hums a pleasant recognition of consistency.

“Hey.” Cosima whispers.

Delphine moves her eyes away from Cosima’s tattoo to her eyes. Cosima smiles down at Delphine and adjusts her hand so their fingers thread together. Cosima’s bone-and-skin hand squeezes Delphine’s sweat-slickened palm.

Delphine’s lips quirk at the corners and she lets her right temple rest on the side rest of Cosima’s bed. She exhales deeply as she shuts her eyes as she traces circles on Cosima’s skin with her thumb. Being near Cosima, a smiling Cosima has washed Delphine’s worries away. The weight of Cosima’s hand on her own reminds her that she is safe and alive.  The weight of an anchor couldn’t mean more than her slight grip.

They are both safe and alive together.

“Hey.” Delphine whispers, keeping her eyes closed. She feels Cosima giggle with a little shake of her arm.

“Hey.” Cosima parrots. Delphine can hear her smile, her tongue poking out between her fangs. Delphine can’t help but chuckle and smile back, even with her eyes closed.

“How’re you feeling?” Delphine mumbles sleepily. She forces her bleary eyes open to look at Cosima. She sees Cosima smile at her through a few stray curls.The worry that had been keeping her body on high-alert has up and gone and the sleepless nights have finally caught up to her, even though it’s barely the evening. She blows a puff of air up at her curls with her chin jutting out. Cosima laughs and Delphine cracks a grin.

“Hey, _you_ were asleep for the past 8 hours, I’ve been _awake_ the whole time worrying, I’m allowed to be tired.” Delphine teases.

Cosima barks a laugh, “true, very true.”

“Really though, how’re you?”

Cosima shrugs and puts out her bottom lip. She clears her throat before speaking.

“Sore, mainly. And tired. They have all these tubes going in my side and I’m pretty sure they stretched my ribs like, wide open so that hurts. But other than that, I’m alright... I’m on pain meds again so I’m not in hell anymore.”

Delphine’s heart tugs when Cosima says I’m not in hell anymore. She’d gone through so much pain to get to today, especially the last week of no medication. Radiation, chemo, blood tests, countless scans. Vomiting, bruises, aches, cold sweats, chills and more vomiting. According to Dr. Sadler’s schedule and reports, they’re nearing the home stretch. A few more cautionary appointments of CR therapy, a handful of checkups and they’re in the clear. As long as Cosima can persevere through the last handful of weeks.

"You worried about me?" Cosima asks softly.

"Oui, I did. More than I should've, probably. It took a really long time and I thought yo- and I uh... just got too anxious." Delphine doesn't mention her bout of screaming in the bathroom or the period of time where she was convinced she'd lost the love of her life.

Cosima's eyebrows quirk in the middle and she gives her an adorable smile.

"So, a week in the lovely Western Hospital and then I'm home free. I just need to do..." Cosima mentally tallies, "...some rehab. And a lot of breathing exercises. And medication rounds. Aaand eat hospital food." Cosima's smile lessens with every added task.

“You’re strong, you can do it.” Delphine says with a smile.

“As long as I’ve got by you by my side,” Cosima brings their clasped hands to her lips to kiss the back of Delphine’s hand, “I think I can do pretty much anything.”

Delphine beams and squeezes Cosima’s hand.

_Moi aussi._
    
    
      
    

* * *

 

Delphine ends up seeing a lot of Beth- the nurse who texted her-  and hearing about her too. Apparently she sneaks Cosima extra food and cracks jokes to keep her spirits up when she looks down. Cosima’s grin when she sees Beth makes Delphine feel a little less guilty about picking up extra shifts at work to make up for her absences.

Delphine gets off of a particularly tiring graveyard shift on the morning of the sixth day of Cosima’s weeklong stay in the hospital and decides to go to the coffee shop on the ground floor before taking the elevator to Cosima’s room. Delphine only realizes she’s ordered Cosima’s usual out of habit as she’s paying (chai tea with milk and sugar). It’s not the caffeine-full-espresso she was hoping for, but she takes it anyways. She sips the tea as she sits in a booth, skimming the newspaper. Every sip tastes like Cosima’s kisses and walks in the park and hungover breakfasts, blanket forts and surprise lunch dates and autumn. She savours the small bursts of memories, hesitating before throwing the empty cup out on her way to the elevators.

As the elevator chimes her arrival on Cosima’s floor Delphine sighs and stretches her shoulders, reaching her arms way above her head. Her spine and shoulders crack softly beneath her muscles and Delphine groans, satisfied that the pressure that's been building up had finally been released. Sleeping curled in a makeshift bed composed of two hospital chairs hasn’t done well for her back but she refuses to sleep at home. She rolls her head from side to side as she drags her heels to Cosima’s room. She strolls into the room and exhales deeply as she turns to close the door, swinging her bag full of clothes onto the nearby table.

“Bon matin Cosima. Work was so boring, there was nothing to do so I just re-organized the files for the whole night,” Delphine changes out of her work clothes and into loose sweats and a baggy top as she ruffles her hair, “do you remember when our next appointment with Dr.Sadler...is...?”

Delphine turns around to find an empty bed with tousled sheets and a crumpled pillow, her question dying in her throat. Delphine ducks her head into the bathroom, “Cosima?”

Delphine peers out the door and scans the hallway. Cosima has her back to her halfway down the hall as she tugs an IV drip combined with an oxygen tank as she walks (walks!) with her free hand on Beth's forearm for support. Her steps are unsteady and a little wobbly but she walks regardless and Delphine can bet that she feels as free as she has in months.

Delphine smiles lovingly and sighs before retreating into Cosima's room and crawling onto her bed. She nuzzles into Cosima's pillow and ignores the distinct hospital staleness, favouring the trace of Cosima's warm smell as her eyes flutter closed. She closes her fists around the thin sheets as she tries to not doze off. She dips in and out of consciousness, her lapses into dream world sprinkled with linked fingers and soups and snowballs and chocolates.

Delphine feels the edge of the mattress sag and keeps her eyes closed when cool fingers brush her temple. They tuck stray curls behind her ear before a thumb traces her cheekbone as Cosima's palm cups her jaw. Delphine leans her face into the touch.

"I saw you out for a walk, I thought I'd let you finish." Delphine mumbles.

"Yeah, once the tubes were out they wanted to get me up and walking as fast as possible to like, inflate the lung. Looks like I'm coming home early, if Dr. Sadler approves it this afternoon."

"Mmm... c'est bien." Delphine adjusts her position on the bed to make more room for Cosima.

Cosima wiggles onto the bed and tucks her knees between Delphine's, careful of her sore ribs and various support machines. Cosima's quiet hums lull Delphine to sleep as Cosima plays with her curls. 
    
    
      
        
    
        
    
    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moi J'ai Confiance - Philémon Cimon
> 
> Title translates to 'nude with her, I offer my wings'
> 
> also come chat w me at cophinehaus.tumblr.com!


End file.
